Epilogue

Well, this is it. The final installment of Hollywood Dreams. I sincerely hope you all have enjoyed reading it as much as I liked writing it. Some day I will be a published writer, and when I reach that point, I'll remember all of you and this BLOG fondly. Until then, I'll keep writing, and I hope you keep reading. I haven't decided what is next for the BLOG. I suppose I should have before I got to this point, but, well... Give me a couple of days. I'll let you all know. In the meantime, I've got two other books (one young adult and one adult) completed, and I'd be happy to share them with any and all of you. My email is bethj100@msn.com, so if you would like me to send one of them to you, send me an email. I love to share.

Epilogues are my favorite part of the books I read, so like I said yesterday, I always write one. I love to know what happens to the characters after every thing has quieted down. So, enjoy one last moment with your new friends.

Epilogue

Mankato had never before experienced anything like it. Hollywood had relocated to southern Minnesota in the form of tonight’s Dawn’s New Light premier. At least that’s what we considered it. The studio had insisted on the traditional Grauman’s Chinese Theatre premier, but for Mom, Kyle, Logan and me, tonight was the premier.
Everyone was here. The four of us, of course, but at Jackson’s insistence, a subdued Savannah agreed to make an appearance. It was either show up or risk further alienating one of the most powerful directors in Hollywood. Fresh out of rehab, Savannah was eager to make a new start, so she’d hopped on an airplane and headed to Mankato.
Not that she was alone. It seemed most of Hollywood had been transplanted to Mankato for the night. Every hotel room was full, and the city had undergone a flurry of preparation in the past weeks comparable to another city’s preparation for the Super Bowl or the Olympics.
“Mom! Are you two almost ready to go,” I yelled from the kitchen of our small Mapleton home.
“Almost Kate. We’ll be right there,” she called from her bedroom.
“I simply don’t want to know what they’re up to in there,” I laughed and cringed at the same time. Logan laughed back from his seat at the kitchen table.
Mom and Kyle had been married for exactly two weeks and the delay was almost sure to be caused from their insistence on acting disgusting newlywed pretty much twenty-four hours a day. It was sweet, but yuck!! It was bad enough that Mom was nearly eight months pregnant. At age seventeen, the concept your mother had done something to get herself pregnant was, well, disturbing.
Mom and Kyle had decided to make Mapleton their primary home. Soon a big house on the outskirts of town would be finished, complete with a baby’s suite to house our new bundle of joy. Mom was driving us all crazy with decorating ideas, but since was so happy, none of us really minded.
Soon, though, I’d be moving out and heading to college in Los Angeles where I could be close to Logan. I’d miss Mom, Kyle, and my soon to be born baby sister, but there were priorities. Besides, plenty of airplanes flew between Los Angeles and Minnesota, so Logan and I could visit often.
“I could show you what I suspect if you’d like,” Logan leered. He stood up from the kitchen chair and started to advance towards me. I giggled as I backed away and ran around the counter to avoid his grasping arms.
“Oh, no you don’t. Johan will kill you if you mess my hair up,” I threatened. Johan, who had flown in especially for the night, had directed the team of stylists who’d prepared me for the premier. The hair, makeup, and dress were all perfect. If something, or somebody, messed it up now, Johan would absolutely fall apart.
“You didn’t need a team of stylists, Kate. You’re beautiful without any help,” I let him catch me as he came around the counter. How could I resist when he put it that way?
“Mmmmm, Logan, you’ll be wearing my lipstick if you’re not careful,” I murmured. Not that I was really thinking of lipstick or designer gowns or angry Houstonian hair stylists at the moment. Logan’s lips tended to make me forget most everything.
“Ask me if I care,” he suggested as his lips moved down the side of my neck.
Melanie’s giggles interrupted Logan’s exploration of the skin underneath the beautiful diamond necklace I’d borrowed for the occasion.
“Hello, Melanie,” Logan muttered without looking up. He growled in mock frustration when I stepped back.
Melanie was the second reason I’d flown in Johan. It’d been fun to watch her enjoy the day. A haircut, color, makeup application, and designer gown later, she was ready for the premier and a stunned Erik who gazed at the vision she was as if he’d never seen her before.
“Hello, Logan,” Melanie greeted. She’d stopped stuttering in his presence months ago. It’d taken some time, but she’d eventually accepted he was a normal guy – just one that happened to be loved and adored by most women between the ages of eight and 101. “I suppose this is what I have to look forward to next year as your housemate at UCLA, right Melanie?”
“Absolutely,” I confirmed.
She giggled again, looking up into Erik’s eyes adoringly. “Erik and I will try to be a little more circumspect, right babe?”
Erik just nodded, apparently still at a loss for words.
It’d taken a lot of negotiations, but both the Carlsons and Larsons had agreed to allow their children follow me out to California in the fall. It helped that Mom and Kyle vowed to have their numerous friends keep an eye on us. What didn’t need to be pointed out was that the media would instantly alert the parental units to any problems.
It wasn’t like I just a normal college freshman. I was the daughter of two of the most famous movie stars ever, and I was the girlfriend of a third. To say I was watched closely was a bit of an understatement.
“Good. You’re all here,” Mom said as she waddled into the kitchen looking more beautiful than any woman should be allowed to look. Even with, or perhaps because of, the large beach ball sized bump preceding her into the kitchen, she glowed. Kyle (or Dad as I now called both him and the one who raised me) never let his eyes leave her. Overpowering bliss radiated from the two of them. If I hadn’t been so happy myself, it would have almost hurt to watch them together.
“Let’s go, kids. If we leave right now, we should be able to make it to your Dad’s and into Mankato before your mom needs to eat again,” he teased. Mom just stuck her tongue out at him and grabbed a package of crackers from the cabinet.
The laughing and teasing continued as we drove to Dad’s house, picking up Susan and him before completing the short drive to Mankato. I didn’t speak during the drive. I was enjoying watching my family too much.
“You okay, Kate,” Logan whispered in my ear as we pulled to the front of the movie theatre entrance tothe mall. A long red carpet had been placed between the curb and the entrance to the actual theatre showing the film. As planned, we were the last guests to arrive. Light’s flashed brightly and a cheer rose from the crowd as the car stopped.
“I’m fine, Logan,” I replied. “I’m just so happy. I love you so much. I have the best parents in the world. I have the most amazing friends. And I have you. I’m not sure how I got so lucky.”
“We’re the lucky ones, Kate. You brought us all together. You’re the glue that binds us.”
He could be right; I thought as I stepped out of the car holding his hand while I waved to the crowd and followed those I loved best into the theatre. These people, my family, were everything to me, and through the adversity of the past year, we’d been inexplicably drawn together to form a unit stronger than the one that was there before. Maybe it wasn’t luck; maybe it was fortune or fate. Not that it mattered.
Much to the delight of the crowd, I stopped to pull Logan close in the middle of the red carpet. “Whoever got lucky, Logan, I’m glad to be me. Now, come on, it’s time for America’s sweethearts to go see a movie.”Laughter and cheers could be heard from the crowd as our lips met. Nope, I decided. It was luck. And I was definitely the luckiest girl in the world.

© 2008-2009 Elizabeth Johnson

Chapter Twenty-Two

Well, I am freshly coiffed. My hair is beautifully colored, the grey is all gone (there was only a little!), and I am relaxed. Too relaxed. I can barely lift my fingers to type. Yawn... I think half the problem is my week last week. I'm a little mind fried. Well, nothing else to do for the rest of the weekend but to sit here and relax (and write a little too).

Last night was my last night working at the Pavilion. I've been volunteering there all summer. In exchange for volunteering, I got a free pass to go to any concert I wanted to see. It's been fun! I saw 13 concerts this summer. Aerosmith, No Doubt, Dave Matthews, Nickelback... those are just a few of the wonderful acts I saw. Wow. So much fun. It's a sure sign of the end of summer that I'm done. I'll still go to Creed and Buzzfest, but no more working.

This is it!! The last chapter. What do you think will happen? There's an epilogue too; I always write an epilogue. Whenever I read a book and I get to the end, I aways get a little sad. What happens to the characters? What's next? After 22 chapters, they're my friends. The good part for me, the writer, is that Kate and Logan and Melanie and Eric and everyone else continue to live in my head. For you, don't worry. There's one last post after this for Hollywood Dreams.

So, enjoy Chapter 22. I'll talk to you all again tomorrow.

Chapter 22

By the time night fell, most of the media left. A few determined paparazzi remained behind, but I so was used to them that they almost seemed part of landscape. As the last TV truck drove away, I let out a deep sigh and walked into my bedroom. Rather than chance seeing the inevitable discussion of my life and Logan and Savannah’s rumored “relationship,” I turned on a DVD and let myself drift into a restless sleep.
The house was silent when the alarm rang the next morning. No sleeping until noon today. There was packing to be done before we left for our afternoon flight to Los Angeles. Today I would be back with Logan – maybe not emotionally but at least physically. My pulse beat faster at the simple idea of being near him.
I flicked on my bedroom television before heading into the kitchen to find Mom and a cup of caffeine. I found the caffeine, freshly brewed and smelling like heaven, but no Mom. A note on the counter informed me that she and Kyle had gone to check on Chic and find some breakfast. I was to pack and be ready to leave by eleven. Our flight was scheduled to leave at two.
Cup of coffee in hand, I returned to the bedroom. Determined to be ready when Mom and Kyle got home, I grabbed a suitcase from my closet and started to carefully pack, listening to the background noise of the TV for the inevitable discussion of me. It would come, even on the morning “news” program, and when it did, there might be more news about Logan.
I was halfway through my first suitcase when the newscaster’s words stopped me cold. The dress I was holding slipped through my fingers, and I slumped down on the bed and back into the pillows.
“As we all know, Kate Broucheriou has had a bad week. First was the news Kyle Thomas was her father and then came the reports yesterday that boyfriend Logan St. James was seen around Hollywood with co-star Savannah Sears on his arm. Well, we’re thinking the following video might just help improve the mood of America’s Sweetheart…”
The camera flicked off the face of the newscaster and the screen was filled with a grainy video filmed late at night outside what appeared to be a LA nightclub. Savannah was beautiful against the bright exterior of the club, but even in the grainy video, it was apparent she was nearly fall-down drunk. Logan stood inches away from her, just as obviously stone sober. The couple was surrounded by cameras that clicked wildly in an effort to catch the entire exchange.
“Come on, Savannah. You don’t mean it. You know we’re meant to be together,” Logan said with thick sarcasm. His eyes glinted maliciously as he glanced into the crowd and smiled.
“Go to HELL, LOGAN. Just go to your DARLING KATE. You two deserve each other,” she screamed.
“Honey, you don’t mean that. I swear I love you best,” another glance into the crowd and a slight roll of his eyes.
“You’re both as boring as snot and almost as interesting. You’ve been doing nothing but mooning over her interview all night,” Savannah mocked, stumbling slightly as she gestured wildly.
“Honey, it should please you – all the attention Kate’s getting. After all, it was all your doing,” his eyes narrowed dangerously.
Savannah seemed to miss the baiting tone of his voice. “Ha! I don’t even know why I bothered. You’re certainly not worth the effort it took to set it all up. It wasn’t nearly as easy to arrange as your little run-in with the photographer in Houston. That was easy. Sneak him in. Wait for you and Kate to disappear. A few pictures later, you and Kate were all over each other and the evening news.”
“How were your latest efforts harder,” he asked. Savannah was so out of it she didn’t even notice how the crowd had gone completely quiet. The only sound that could be heard was the click of cameras.
“I had to be very careful that it couldn’t be traced back to me. I might hate Bridgette and Kate, but they seem to have the rest of the world, including Jackson, wrapped around their little fingers. It had to be completely anonymous. There was also the inconvenient fact I had no real proof. I had to count on the strength of my speculation and the media’s desire for a good story,” she seemed to have forgotten exactly where she was. Venom poured from her voice.
“Why did you “bother”? Why try to destroy Kate and Bridgette,” Logan asked.
“Because I wanted to. This is MY world. I OWN it, and no little farm girl and her has-been mother is going to try to take it away from me.” Savannah twirled in a circle, hands outstretched to indicate the extent of her realm. When she completed her circle, she collapsed to the ground, balance deserting her completely. At the gasp of the crowd, her eyes focused on her surroundings once again. Shock spread across her face.
“You did this on purpose. Didn’t you, Logan?”
“Absolutely. You’re a skanky bitch, Savannah. I’ve always known it; now the rest of the world does too,” Logan smiled at the crowd. “Thanks, guys. The show’s over. I’ve got to go.”
As the cameras focused on Savannah, still on the ground, I heard the purr of Logan’s car drive away. The video ended and the camera refocused on the newscaster.
“One of my better performances, don’t you think?” I jumped at the deep sound of Logan’s voice. As I stared at him blankly, he walked slowly across my bedroom and sat next to me on my bed.
“It might not win me an Academy Award, but I’m certainly as proud of it as if it would.” He took my hands and pulled them up and around his neck while his lips lowered to nearly touch mine.
“I hope you don’t mind I let myself in,” Logan words were spoken softly against my lips. I could only shake my head before Logan pulled me the rest of the way into him and deepened the kiss.
It was like coming home. I poured every apology I would make, every vow of love, every ounce of who I was into the kiss. Logan’s lips held the promise of my future and erased every hurt of our past.
“Logan,” I gasped pulling away reluctantly. “Why are you here? You shouldn’t be. I should be the one begging your forgiveness.”
“I’m here because I love you, Kate. Pride wasn’t worth being away from you for another moment,” he pulled me back into his arms, holding me as if he would never let me go again. I hoped he wouldn’t.
“But Savannah?”
“It was an act, Kate. I couldn’t let her get away with what she’d done. I wasn’t sure how we’d end up, but, regardless, she’d hurt someone I love. Her ego made it pretty easy. All I had to do was act wounded and vulnerable, and she attacked. It wasn’t hard to make her believe I was grateful for her attention,” he smiled as he leaned into kiss me lightly.
“I’d planned to cause my scene the night before, but she was too joyous when you kept calling. I had to act as if I wasn’t dying to talk to you. It was horrible and fantastic at the same time. I knew then that you’d forgiven me. It gave me the strength to wait one more day to be with you. It all worked out better than I hoped. Your interview gave her just the push I needed. Savannah’s done, Kate. She’ll never bother anyone again,” he promised. I could feel his heart beating fast against mine.
“There was nothing for me to forgive, Logan. I overreacted. You didn’t do anything wrong. I took out all my pain and rage on you. I am begging for your forgiveness, Logan. Please! I love you so much. I don’t want to live without you,” I pulled out of his arms to face him on my knees. “Please, Logan. Forgive me.”
“I forgave you the moment you walked out the door, Kate. There is nothing you could do that would cause me to stop loving you.”
Joy burst in my heart at the promise of his words. It was a promise I hadn’t earned, but maybe true love didn’t need to be earned. Maybe true love was given unconditionally. Sinking into the kiss that followed, I made a promise of my own. I would be worthy of this gift. And if proving myself worthy took the rest of my life, it was a price I was willing to pay.

© 2008-2009 Elizabeth Johnson

Chapter Twenty-one

Hey there all of my readers. You cannot believe how busy this week has been. It's all been work too, so my week has way sucked! But, today is an off Friday, so although I've been working for the last 3 hours, I'm done!! I'm going to go to the grocery, get some gas, and write. Then, tonight I'm at the Pavilion for the symphony and tomorrow freshly colored hair!! Yeah me!!

Oooohhhh.... wonderful news!! I have a sixth follower. I have no idea who it is, so it may officially be my first follower who I don't know. Welcome and thank you whoever you are. Don't forget to tell your friends, especially if you have a friend who happens to be a big important agent or book publisher. It's not that I don't value all of my readers, but I'd really like to do this for a living. Make some money! Not have to stay up until past my bedtime checking piping drawings... I dream.

Chapter 21 is full of happiness and drama. Finally, the sun is shining brightly on all of us. Almost. We still don't have Logan back, but... Well, read on and find out what happens.

Ciao and happy Friday.

Chapter 21

I was buoyant on the drive home. It was a relief to let go of the anger and bitterness that had filled me for nearly a week. I wasn’t stupid; there would be moments when I’d want to yell and scream at both Mom and Dad for their lies, but I wasn’t going to let anger and resentment set the course for the rest of my life. I wanted more.
I parked my car in the driveway. Parking it in the garage would have wasted precious time, and I’d need it soon anyway. As fast as I could throw some things in a duffle bag and say goodbye to Melanie, I’d be on the way to the airport. If I hurried, I could make-up with Mom and be in Logan’s arms by nightfall, assuming I could find him. I’d look as long as it took.
Melanie’s frantic yell and the slam of the front door interrupted my packing. “Kate! Thank goodness you’re here. Turn the TV on. You’re never going to believe what they’re saying about you.”
“Melanie! Calm down! What’s wrong? You must have practically run here from school. It’s barely four,” I said. A kernel of alarm formed in my stomach at the look on her face. Something was wrong.
Melanie flicked on the TV, flipping the channels until she found a channel broadcasting the afternoon news. She pulled me down on the couch before speaking again. “Mom called me as soon as school got out. She was online when the reports first surfaced,” she rapidly spit out her news still breathing hard from her mad dash to my house.
“Kate, they’re saying that Kyle Thomas is your father,” she confessed.
Everything went black as a surge of pure adrenaline hit me. As the powerful wave hit, my jaw dropped open and my head dropped between my knees. It was impossible to think, I was too busy feeling.
“Kate, of course I don’t believe them. God, what are you going to do? They can’t get away with telling such terrible lies.” Ever loyal, Melanie was ready to do battle.
“It’s not a lie,” I whispered.
It was Melanie’s turn to have her jaw drop in shock. “Oh…”
The newscast interrupted my revelation. “In entertainment news with a local twist, rumors arose today about the stars of the sequel to Midnight’s Dawn, Bridgette Broucheriou and Kyle Thomas.” She seemed almost cheerful as she discussed Mom’s secret.
“Bridgette Broucheriou lives right here in southern Minnesota, right Susan,” her male counterpart chimed in.
“Yes, Scott, she and her daughter Kate live in Mapleton. As many might know, Bridgette and Kyle were involved during the filming of Midnight’s Dawn. What nobody knew until now was that Bridgette and Kyle had a child – our own America’s Sweetheart, Kate Broucheriou,” she said, almost gleeful at the news.
“Wow, Susan. Has Bridgette commented on the reports?” The answer to his inane question was obvious, but “Susan” answered anyway, shaking her head regretfully.
“No, Scott, Bridgette has not been available for comment. We’ll keep you all posted as we learn more.”
Sure they would. Why would they hesitate to drag my private life out for public consumption? That they would be horrified to have similar discussion about there own life didn’t even occur to them.
“It’s true, Kate. For real?”
“It’s true, Melanie. I just found out myself,” I replied.
“Well that explains what’s been wrong,” she shook her head as if to clear it. When she finished, a small smile was on her face. “Your father’s hot, Kate.”
The teasing was forced, but I appreciated the effort. I knew Melanie wouldn’t care. Forcing myself past the shock, I teased right back, “Ewww! It’s bad enough being forced to think about Mom having sex. Adding the thought of Kyle being hot, that’s low.”
The sound of my ringing cell phone caused us both to jump. I glanced at the display to see it was Mom. I hadn’t even thought of Mom or Kyle or even Dad. I pushed the correct button to answer.
“Kate! Are you okay? Have you been online or watched TV,” Mom was in full panic mode. Her voice was rushed and breathless. The sound of a running car and Kyle’s voice could be heard in the background.
“I’m fine, Mom. Really. I heard the news. Melanie’s here with me,” I assured her. Despite the circumstances, I felt happier than I had in along time. It felt wonderful to hear her voice.
“I’ll kill her for real this time, Kate. It was Savannah. She’s been hinting around that she knew something ever since you left. I’m so sorry to have brought her into our lives, honey. I’m so sorry about everything…” Tears were thick in her voice.
Savannah. Of course! It all made sense. She’d said she hated Mom and me. Between my drunken ravings in the bar and what she already knew about Mom and Kyle, it wasn’t a stretch to believe Savannah figured it out. If Logan had, Savannah certainly could have too. She would have been gleeful at the revelation. It would be one more way to hurt Mom and me. One more way to teach us a lesson. Or, maybe it was as she had said. Maybe she was just having fun.
“Mom, calm down. I’m fine. I’m on my way to the airport. I’ll be in LA soon,” I tried to comfort her.
“NO!! Don’t go anywhere!” Mom’s voice was emphatic.
“Okay, Mom. Really, relax. Why can’t I go anywhere?” I was puzzled at her vehemence.
“Because, you’re safe in the house. The Mankato stations should be there any minute. The Twin Cities stations won’t be far behind. The national news will be swarming before the end of the night. Kate, this is big news. It’s better gossip than they’ve had in a long time. Better than Brittany, Lindsey, or Tom. Stay where you’re safe, Kate. Kyle and I are almost at the airport; the studio’s letting us use their plane. They have a publicist working things on this end, but I insisted on coming to you.”
Oh! The picture of swarming news people had me rushing to the window. Although for now the front yard was empty except for Mrs. Johnson’s poodle, I had no trouble visualizing how it would look within an hour. I’d lived with media attention for most of the summer. I just never expected it to follow me to sleepy Mapleton.
“I won’t go anywhere, Mom. Hurry. Please,” I begged. I wasn’t sure I could do it without her.
“Bye, Kate. I’ll be there soon. Don’t answer the phone. Don’t open the door. Don’t do anything,” her voice was calmer but still concerned.
“Bye, Mom. Mom,” I paused. There wasn’t time for a big, dramatic scene, but I needed her to know how I felt. “I love you.”
The line was quiet for a moment before Mom responded. Her voice was soft and filled with emotion; the problem of stalking gossip columnists was temporarily forgotten. “I know, honey. I love you too.”
The line went dead.
As Mom predicted, the first news trucks showed up minutes later. I watched through the sheer blinds as cameras were set up on my front lawn. As the lawn filled, the home phone started to ring. I let the calls go to voice mail but couldn’t help but hear the messages. Everyone wanted my comment. How did I feel? Was it true? Would I agree to an interview? Horrible, yes, and hell no. But, I didn’t answer.
Somewhere around the time the stations from the Twin Cities arrived, Mrs. Carlson snuck through the lilac bushes in the back yard, ducking behind the towering willow tree to call Melanie. When we cracked the door open, she sprinted across the small space of the backyard and through the back door.
She wasn’t able to do much other than pace with Melanie and me, but her presence was comforting. Melanie and she held my hand as the afternoon newscast, morphed into the evening newscast, which heralded the evening entertainment news shows. “Entertainment Tonight” spent nearly its entire half hour on the history of my life, complete with footage of my house filmed hours before. It was a zoo, and I was the zoo animal.
Mom called when she landed in Minneapolis, angry at the distance and time that it was taking to reach me. No matter how many times I told her I was fine, she refused to believe it. Finally, I talked to Kyle who, although his voice held nothing of its typical sophisticated smoothness, was a bit easier to reason with than Mom.
I knew Mom had arrived when pandemonium broke out in the front yard. Moments later, head lights cut across the front window and a long black limousine pulled into the driveway. Bodyguards proceeded Mom and Kyle out of the car and followed them to the front door. As Mom and Kyle opened the door and stepped inside, I saw the two gigantic men station themselves on either side of the front door. I shook my head briefly in wonder (What had my life come to??) before being enveloped in Mom’s arms.
She felt so good I wanted to weep in relief. The lies, the hurt, the anger, not even the media zoo outside the front door – none of it mattered. I had my mom back.
I fell asleep that night on the couch in Mom’s arms like I was a two year old. We’d talked for hours - Mom, Kyle, and me. Our discussions were happy and sad, calm and passionate, and emotional and clinical. By the time I drifted off to sleep, I didn’t exactly understand how we’d got to this point, but I knew I could go on with my life – a life that now included two dads.
The sound of rattling dishes and voices woke me the next day. I reached over my head, lengthening my spine to stretch out the knots and lumps that had formed as a result of sleeping on the couch. The curtains were still drawn, but I could hear the sounds of the still (likely) large crowd outside. The indeterminate pleasant feeling I had upon waking evaporated with a “poof.” Sure, Mom and Kyle were with me, but no matter how happy I was to be with them once again, the lurking presence of the media out front couldn’t be erased.
Or the fact that Logan wasn’t answering my calls.
I’d tried at least twenty times the night before. While pacing the living room with Melanie and Mrs. Carlson, when Mom had gone to make coffee for us all somewhere around midnight, after Mom, Kyle, and I had talked ourselves out, I’d dialed his number over and over. Every time it would ring and ring but ultimately go to voicemail.
It was impossible to ignore the stab of hurt that pierced my heart with every unanswered ring. More than anything, I wanted to curl up, pull the blankets over my head, and admit defeat. All my fault. It was all my fault. I deserved Logan’s anger. I’d been stupid and hurtful to the best thing that ever happened to me.
Oh, whoa is me. Whine, whine, whine! Sure I was seventeen. Sure I’d been through more life trauma in the last week than any one person should have to experience. Sure, all things considered, I’d managed to work through it all admirably quickly. But, for crying out loud, if I let myself pout, I deserved to lose Logan. I was the one in the wrong. I’d damn well be the one to fix things.
As soon as my friendly neighborhood stalkers deigned to leave me alone long enough to board an airplane, I’d fly to Los Angeles and beg Logan for his forgiveness.
I’d take a lesson from Mom. I wouldn’t repeat her mistakes. I’d been too willing to throw away the love Logan offered, careless in my disregard for the precious gift it was. No longer would I take love lightly, not now that I knew Mom’s story. No, I’d fight for Logan’s love. I’d fight for what I knew was meant to be.
I practically lunged for the coffee pot as I stumbled into the kitchen, letting the hot liquid burn my throat as I gulped half the cup before completely opening my eyes. As soon as I felt the precious caffeine molecules enter my bloodstream, I cracked open my eyes to peek at the clock. Wow! How had I managed to sleep straight through breakfast and well into lunchtime? Stress and a late night of emotional conversations, I suppose.
“Morning, Mom. Hey, Kyle,” I mumbled.
Mom chuckled lightly, reaching out to squeeze my hand (the one not gripping the coffee cup like a lifeline). “Morning, honey. I didn’t think you’d ever wake up.”
“I’m not. It’s a figment of your imagination,” I said.
“I don’t have that good of an imagination, kid,” Kyle teased. Only when I opened my eyes fully did I notice the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.
Oh, God, what now?
“What……,” I asked, trying not to cringe.
“Nothing, babe. It’s nothing we need to discuss,” Mom said firmly.
“Bridgette,” Kyle argued. “It should be her decision.”
“No, Kyle. I’m her mother, and it’s my decision. No way am I going to ask her to do what they’re suggesting.”
“But, Bridgette, it may be the only way,” he responded. This fight had obviously been going on for a while. They both seemed to have their arguments and responses memorized.
“Kyle, Mom. What! Tell me,” I interrupted. I wasn’t going to like the decision I was going to have to make, but no way was I going to let Mom make it for me – whatever it was.
“Fine, tell her, Kyle. You’re the one who thinks it’s a good idea,” Mom scowled.
Ignoring her expression, Kyle turned to me, “The studio’s publicist has an idea. She thinks it’ll clear the vultures out of the front yard. Your Mom doesn’t like the idea. I think it’ll work.”
“Of course I don’t like the idea. It’s not the publicist’s life. Her family won’t be the one drug through the mud. Her past won’t be on display,” Mom stalked across the kitchen to stare out the window set above the kitchen sink.
“What do they want us to do, Kyle?” It must be terrible to cause Mom such intense agitation.
“They want us to do an interview,” he paused to watch my expression darken.
He must to be joking. “I thought the whole point of us hiding in her like criminals was to AVOID being on the news,” I asked incredulously.
“They’ve picked one of the best reporters in the business to do the interview. It’ll all be managed – the questions will be pre-approved by the publicist and only the reporter and her camera crew will be allowed in the house,” he explained. His eyes urged me to make my own judgments.
“Ha! No reporter is a good reporter. I’ve learned that lesson the hard way,” Mom sneered.
Ignoring Mom, I considered the options. We could hide in the house for the next several days until the reporters and photographers outside got bored or had a better scandal to report. Or, I could face the angry lion head on and get my life back on my own terms. The decision seemed obvious.
“Fine. Let’s do it,” I said. Kyle beamed. Mom shook her head angrily.
“NO! Kate, we’re not doing it. I won’t ask you to go through this,” she yelled.
“Mom…,” I walked over to her and pulled her into a hug. “It’s okay, Mom. I want to do it. Let them ask whatever they want. It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Of course it does, Kate. This is my mess. You shouldn’t have to do this,” her eyes burned with anger and frustration.
“You’re right. I shouldn’t have to do this. Either should you. But, if this is the only way to get rid of them – on our terms, I’ll be fine,” and I would. Truly, it no longer mattered. It was nobody’s business – the world’s need to know made me mad, but I didn’t really care who knew what anymore.
Hanging her head in defeat, Mom hugged me back, “If you’re sure…”
Unwilling to chance Mom changing her mind, Kyle quickly picked up the phone and called the publicist. A short conversation later, it was all arranged. The report would arrive mid-afternoon in time to ensure her taped interview would be ready to air during the evening news. The American public would digest my family’s secrets along with their evening meal.
Most of my afternoon was spent getting ready for my first television interview. I couldn’t help but be nervous. It was illogical; I’d just spent my summer having every public and many private moments photographed. To be nervous…it just seemed silly. But, until now, I wasn’t expected to do anything more than smile at the photographers (public moments) or ignore them (private moments). What if I sounded stupid? What if I embarrassed myself or worse Mom and Kyle?
I compensated for my nervousness by spending more time on my appearance than I ever had before. I combed through my Kate Broucheriou clothes to find the perfect outfit. After settling on a simple dress, I started on my hair. Makeup was the easy part. Apply it heavy and precisely Mom had directed. When I was all put together, I looked polished, sophisticated, and confident.
I was as ready as I was going to get.
The camera crew had been set up in the living room. The living room had always been on the small side, but filled with a studio full of camera equipment, it looked even smaller. As promised, the only people who’d accompanied all of the expensive looking equipment were the reporter, who I instantly recognized from years of evening entertainment programs, and a rumpled looking cameraman.
Kyle stood in the middle of the living room speaking to the reporter, perfectly handsome and seemingly unconcerned with pending interview. Mom stood against the wall and glared at the reporter and her cameraman. If looks could have killed, a major network would have been missing one of their most recognizable personalities.
“Hello, Kate. It’s so nice to meet you finally. I’m looking forward to speaking with you.” The pretty blond broke away from Kyle as soon as I walked into the room. She confidently walked across the room to greet me, sticking out her hand to shake mine. I hesitated. Did I mimic Kyle’s ease or Mom’s outright hostility? I opted for the middle ground – I smiled at the reporter but ignored her offered hand.
“It’s nice to meet you Ms. Shannon,” I said politely. “I’m sure you’ll understand that I can’t share your sentiment. I’m not looking forward to speaking to you at all.”
“Oh,” she responded, her professional smile slipping slightly. Underneath the smile, her expression was cool and calculating. She plastered her smile back on her face before continuing, “Don’t worry, Kate. This will be painless. I promise. Just a couple of questions and you can get on with your life.”
“I doubt that, Barbara.” Mom’s clipped words were thick with undisguised resentment. “Can we just get on with this?”
“Of course, Bridgette. We can start whenever you’re ready,” the reporter motioned for us to take a seat on the couch. Mom waited for me to sit first then arranged Kyle on one side of me while she sat on the other. When we were settled, she glared at our interrogator with impatience.
“Start, Barbara,” Mom sneered. “And if you so much as even think about asking a question that isn’t on the approved list, not one major star will ever consider speaking to you again. It’ll be the “D” list for you for the rest of your career.”
The reporter’s smile turned icy. “You insult me, Bridgette. I wouldn’t dream of breaking the rules.” She raised her hand and motioned toward the cameraman. A light flicked on the camera, and the interview began.
“Bridgette, Kyle, Kate. Thank you so much for agreeing to speak to me during this challenging time. It must be so difficult for you all,” the reporter’s manner transformed from friendly professionalism to a “girl next door” best friend. Her manner urged you confess all. After all, who would she tell?
“Thank you, Barbara. It’s been a bit difficult, but we’re adjusting. I’m personally overjoyed to be here with my daughter and the woman I have always loved.” Kyle’s voice was smoothly pleasant and sincere.
“But you didn’t always know she was your daughter?”
“No, I didn’t. Those times don’t matter anymore. What matters is that we’re together now,” he responded.
“Bridgette, how does it feel to be here with Kyle and Kate, together at last?”
I tensed waiting for Mom to snap. Her shoulders were stiff, and her hand on my knee was tight. Her voice, though, was polite when she answered the question and everyone that followed. She went through her breakup with Kyle, how she met my Dad, and the years that followed in Mapleton. There were no details, thank God, but the story she wove was compelling and heart wrenching. There would be no dry eyes in TV land tonight.
Through it all, Kyle was quietly supportive. His blatantly loving looks said he forgave her, as did mine. The picture we portrayed said we were a perfect, happy family who’d been through too much. The families contently eating dinner would watch and think, “Look at them. They’re going to make it. How amazing.”
I’d almost begun to relax when the reporter turned to me. Mom’s still ridged body stiffened further. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kyle’s eyes narrow. Barbara was going off script.
“So, Kate, you’ve been reported to be involved with Logan St. James. For someone who’s not actually in the movie, you are certainly a central figure in Dawn’s New Light. Your Mom’s the heroine, your biological Dad is the hero, and you’re dating the villain,” she smiled at me with total innocence. Since she hadn’t actually asked a question, I just nodded.
With a quick glance at Mom and Kyle, her eyes narrowed and she continued, “You and Logan haven’t been seen together since before the story of your parentage broke. I was hoping to get your response to the reports that Logan and Savannah Sears have recently been reported to be spending a lot of time together?”
“I…” What?! Savannah and Logan? Never.
“In fact, I was hoping you could respond to these exclusive pictures of the two of them together last night, looking rather “involved.” She thrust the pictures into my lap. Her expression reminded me of a lioness coming in for the kill.
And I was the prey.
Logan and Savannah were cuddled together in the booth of a popular LA restaurant. Their hands were clasped and their eyes were locked. Barbara was right. They looked very involved. I had only a moment to look at the pictures before Mom yanked them out of my hands.
A minute was enough time to burn the images into my brain. I struggled not to fall apart as Mom leaped to her feet. “This interview is over. Get out of my house. NOW!”
“Barbara, I’m agreeing with Bridgette. It’s time you leave,” Kyle’s previously easygoing expression turned cold.
I heard them all, but none of the words registered. Logan and Savannah. I’d lost him. I loved him and now he was no longer mine. The camera was still fixed on me, it’s red light blinking, so I stayed sitting upright with dry eyes.
Oh, God!
No! It wasn’t true. I couldn’t believe it. I wouldn’t believe it. Logan hated Savannah. No way would he ever choose to be with her.
But, Savannah was beautiful and charming when she wanted to be. She’d wanted Logan from the beginning, and as she was quick to point out, Savannah usually got what she wanted. The pictures proved she’d finally accomplished her goal. She and Logan were together.
Never!
Maybe it was true. It didn’t matter, though. She wasn’t going to get him. Logan was mine. I’d promised myself I’d fight for us and this didn’t change anything.
“The American public is going to want to hear her answer, Bridgette. Kyle, you know it’s true,” Barbara’s smooth voice worked to calm the situation.
“OUT! Now!!! If you’re not out immediately, I’m calling the police, and you can film that. Shut the camera OFF,” Mom practically screamed. I snapped out of my shock in time to see her advance on the cameraman, her hand to the lens.
I reached out a hand to stop her. “I’ll answer, Mom. The American public might not deserve an answer, but Logan does.”
“No, Kate,” Mom stopped to look at me with surprise.
“Kate, honey, you don’t need to,” Kyle said.
“What does Logan deserve to hear, Kate?” Barbara pounced. I turned to her and looked directly into the camera.
“Logan deserves to know I love him. I treated him badly. It was my fault. When I learned about Kyle, he was there for me, and I pushed him away. If he’s with Savannah now, she’d better watch out. Logan is mine, and I will prove myself worthy of his love again.”
The room went quiet. Mom and Kyle stared at me. The reporter waved to the cameraman, a pleased smile on her face, and the recording light blinked on camera. The interview was over.
I managed to wait to collapse until the equipment was packed and out of the house. I’d been confident in front of the camera. That same confidence wasn’t so easy to keep once the adrenaline of the fight wore off.
Unshed tears burned in my eyes as the images of the pictures played over and over in my mind. I could hear their laughter, feel their adsorption in each other. Logan would be sweet and kind. And when the camera’s turned away he’d be sexy and sensual. Savannah would be more than happy to indulge that side of Logan.
Logan was everything I wanted. How could I exist without him now that I knew how much I would be missing? If I lost him for good, well… I’d survive, but for the rest of my life I’d regret his loss. There would always be a piece of my heart that belonged to Logan St. James
“Can we leave tomorrow, Mom? I need to get to Los Angeles.”
I would go, dwindling confidence be damned. I would get Logan back. Logan was mine, and no one, especially Savannah Sears, was going to take what was mine.
“Whatever you want, honey,” Mom assured.Whatever I wanted? I wanted to be in LA. I wanted to be where Logan was. Savannah’s time was done. This time it was my time to get what I wanted. And I wanted Logan.

© 2008-2009 Elizabeth Johnson

Chapter Twenty

I have to work tonight! Yuck!! Real work, and it's not fair! I hate working at home. Unfortunately, no time, too much work, and an interview tomorrow afternoon with a new department. Wish me luck all. It's still engineering, but it's different engineering. Hopefully, it includes some travel, a Blackberry, more money, and a lot more respect. Oh, but if wishes were horses... So, I'm keeping it short tonight. Love you all. Thanks for reading. I promise to write more soon.

Back to school time for Kate! Only going back to school for Kate isn't exactly the same as it is for my girls. The mythical "they" say there is no going home, and for Kate, after spending the summer plastered all over the tabloids, Mapleton doesn't look at her exactly the same. This a cool chapter, and we learn a lot more about Kate and Bridgette. The sun is definitely getting brighter...

Chapter 20


I walked to school with Melanie the next morning. The dream about Kyle, Mom and me was still fresh in my mind, but I was ready to face the first day of my senior year. Dressed in a snug jeans perfectly faded to look older than they actually were and a soft, baby-doll shirt layered with a matching tank top, I took the time to perfectly arrange my curls and apply a light layer of make-up. I looked every bit the affluent teenager I was – something completely out of place in my small Minnesota hometown.
I felt awkward and out of place, a feeling that was only intensified when I entered the bustling halls of the school and heard them go completely silent. The silence only lasted for a second before starting up again, louder than before. No one approached me; they only stared as if they’d never seen me before. Erik joined us, taking Melanie’s hand, as we walked down the hall towards the front office. If it hadn’t been for their strong support, I think I would have turned and run back home.
I hurried to grab my schedule (Erik and Melanie had gotten their schedules at orientation the week before) from the overly interested office clerk. She handed it to me without question, but I saw her pick up the phone before the door shut behind me. Before lunch, the entire town (and most of Mankato) would know I was back in town to stay.
Erik, Melanie, and I walked to our first class together. Since there weren’t many classes to pick from, our schedules generally meshed. Only for the period right before lunch would we be separated. For that period, I was scheduled for theatre class while Erik was off to athletics and Melanie had Home Economics. Last spring, when I wasn’t been a celebrity myself, it had seemed like a fun idea. I’d considered it an opportunity to see if any of Mom’s talent had rubbed off. Unfortunately, now it just seemed masochistic.
“Welcome home, Kate. It’s glad to see you back,” Mr. O’Brien greeted. Mr. O’Brien taught both English and theatre. He’d been begging me for years to be a part of his plays, but up until last spring, I’d resisted. I was now regretting the moment of weakness.
“It’s nice to be back, Mr. O’Brien,” I said simply. Maybe if I didn’t speak too much he’d forget I was here. Unlikely, even if I wasn’t Bridgette’s daughter, in a class of only twenty people, but a girl could hope.
I watched the rest of the class file in from my position at the rear of the room. A couple of kids said “Hi” and a few smiled and waved but most just stared. I sighed internally, wondering how long it would take for them to forget I was someone other than the girl they grew up with. I might be someone different. I knew that, but even the new me didn’t deserve to be their stares.
“Class! Listen up. This semester we’ll be preparing for the fall play. We’re particularly lucky to have Kate Swanson in our class this year. Kate, as you all know, is the daughter of Academy Award winning actress Bridgette Broucheriou. Kate’s also had the opportunity to spend the summer on the set of a real movie. Kate, would you mind telling the class a little bit about your summer? Come on. Come to the front of the class. We all want to hear about your summer.”
Oh, God. I glanced at the ground, hoping it would open up and swallow me whole. Just what I needed – more reason for people to stare at me. I should have known this was coming. Everyone would be dying to know the inside scoop on my summer, the secrets the media didn’t report. Mr. O’Brien was just the brave one to start the information feeding frenzy.
I would cheerfully have slit his throat, but the only thing that would have accomplished was to give people more to talk about. Instead I stood and headed to the front of the class where Mr. O’Brien stood gesturing in what could be loosely termed an enthusiastic manner.
“I didn’t really spend the summer on the set of Dawn’s New Light, Mr. O’Brien. I really didn’t do much more than sit out by the pool. There’s nothing to tell you,” I explained.
“Oh, but Kate. You got to hang out with all of those huge stars. Tell us what you learned about acting and the movie industry,” he pushed, undeterred by my unenthusiastic words.
“Well, the stars of the movie are Mom, Kyle Thomas, Savannah Sears, and Logan St. James. You all know Mom. Kyle, Savannah, and Logan are just like you and me.” Well, maybe not Savannah. Savannah is a bitch. But they didn’t need to know that. Or that Logan’s kisses make my head spin. Or that Kyle is actually my real father. Nope, they didn’t need to know any of those things.
Shit, Kyle was my real father. My stomach dropped into my toes and the world spun as my dreams came flooding back to me. Out of nowhere, something became instantaneously clear. If there was one person in the world who should be in my life right now, it was Kyle Thomas. We deserved some time together to heal and learn. We deserved each other.
There, in the middle of the drama room, I felt the overwhelming need to talk to the one person in the world who would understand the pain of betrayal and the fear of the unknown that overwhelmed me. I needed that connection more than I had ever needed anything else.
“What did you learn about acting, Kate,” Mr. O’Brien looked eager for more. I knew I was disappointing him. I couldn’t have cared less. The only thing I cared about was escaping this conversation, the room, and the school.
“I learned acting isn’t what everyone expects,” I paused before coughing conspicuously. “You know, Mr. O’Brien, I don’t feel good. I think I need to get a drink of water. Can I be excused?”
Without waiting for his answer, I bolted for the door. I didn’t stop to think about what I was doing; I just reacted to the driving need, letting it propel me out the school’s side door and the short distance to my house.
I didn’t dial the phone until I was safely seated in the middle of my bed. My fingers shook as they dialed the phone. It was answered on the first ring.
“Kate! We’ve been so worried about you! Thank God you called,” he exclaimed. I cringed at his use of the plural “We” but answered anyway.
“Hey, Kyle,” I whispered, blinking impatiently at the tears that flooded my eyes.
“Kate, honey, it’s going to be okay. We’ll figure this out. I promise you.” I could hear tears in his voice too.
“How, Kyle? How is this going to be okay? They lied to both of us for so long.”
“Your Mom and Dad did some things that are hard to forgive, but they also did what they thought was best. I will always mourn those years we’ve lost, but we’ve got each other now. We can’t let ourselves get lost in the past. If we do, we risk getting lost in it.” His voice was calming and persuasive. I could hear the power behind his words.
“How can you accept it so easily,” I wondered out loud. “How can you forgive her?”
“It’s not a matter of forgiving her. It’s a matter of accepting the things I can’t change. But, Kate, I want my future. I want you, and I want your mother. I love you both.”
My throat closed at his words of love. Tears flowed unabated down my face.
“I love you too, Kyle,” I choked out. “I’m not so sure about Mom right now.”
“You’ll always love her. You may not like her right now. You might be disappointed in her decisions and actions. None of those things will ever erase your love,” he counseled.
He was right, of course. I’d been fighting the truth since I’d arrived in Mapleton. I loved my Mom and Dad. I hated what they’d done to me, but I loved them. The pain creature evaporated. It disappeared as if it never existed. In its place a dull ache persisted, but for the first time since I’d overheard Mom and Kyle, I could breath freely.
“Did you get your Mom’s letter, Kate? Did you read it?”
“No, I didn’t read it, but I think I will now. Thank you, Kyle.” I could hear the sound of relief in my voice.
“Kyle?” I needed to know one more thing.
“Yes, Kate?”
“How’s Logan? Does he hate me? I wasn’t very nice the last time I saw him.” I waited in anticipation for his response.
“I don’t know, Kate. Nobody’s seen him for a few days. He was pretty upset the last time I saw him, though. I wouldn’t worry about him, honey. He loves you. He’ll be there for you when you’re ready for him again.”
The tears that had slowed with the evaporation of the pain creature started to flow again. I had rejected him and his love, calling it a lie before I stormed out the door. How could I have done that to him? How could I have so readily lumped him in with the others? He’d done nothing but love me more than I deserved.
“I hope he can forgive me, Kyle. I’ll call you later, okay?” I needed Logan, but before I could be whole enough to be with him, I needed to fix things with Mom and Dad. I’d have to trust Kyle was right.
I nearly ran to the kitchen to find Mom’s letter. I said a silent prayer of thanks for Melanie’s stubbornness. It was right were she said it would be – on the kitchen counter rather than in the garbage. I ripped it open; equal parts scared and eager to read Mom’s words. Finally, I was ready to hear her explanation.
When I finished reading the letter, I practically ran to the car. Ruled by instinct again, I clasped Mom’s letter in one hand and drove with the other. Minutes latter, I was bouncing down the long gravel driveway of Dad’s farm.
The car had barely stopped when I jumped out the door and ran to the front door. Laura, Matthew in her arms, had the door open before I could knock.
“Kate. What are you doing here? Why aren’t you in school,” Laura’s expression was puzzled. I could see hesitance in her eyes as she pulled Matthew into her chest protectively. I suppose I deserved the hesitance. Regardless of how justified I was in my anger towards Dad, Laura would be wary of how much more pain I would inflict on her family.
I smiled at her, trying to put her at ease. “I guess I’m playing hooky. I need to see Dad, Laura. Is he around,” I kept my fingers crossed. My heart was beating fast and my hands were sweating. I needed to see my Dad.
“He’s in the barn. I could go get him,” Her voice rose at the end of her statement in question. I could tell she was fighting an instinct to protect against what she knew Dad would want.
“Would you mind,” I fought the urge to tell her to hurry.
Laura looked first at me then at Matthew before pushing the baby towards me, “Hold Matthew for me, Kate. I’ll be right back.”
Matthew looked at me with trepidation before wrinkling his still homely face as if to cry. I instinctively started bouncing from side to side.
“It’s okay, little baby. I’m your sister. I don’t suppose I’ve been around a lot, so you don’t know me. I’m sorry I’ve been a sucky big sister,” I cooed softly, watching Matthew’s forehead smooth and his eyes droop.
“That’s okay. You can go to sleep. I won’t let you go. You’ve got to promise me something, little one. You’ve got to promise me you’ll take care of our Dad. He’s a pretty good Dad, and I think I made him pretty sad. You’ve got to help me fix him.” Matthew’s eyes closed. I shifted him to lay him against my shoulder, still rocking side to side.
“He’s the best Dad in the world, Matthew. He’ll watch over and protect you. He’ll give you a hug when you’re upset and laugh with you when you’re happy. He can be tough and bossy sometimes, but I think a Dad’s supposed to be. Most of all, little one, he’ll love you always and forever.” My voice choked with emotion.
“Thank you, Kate. I love you too,” Dad said, his voice similarly choked. I hadn’t heard him come in.
“Hi, Dad.” I wasn’t embarrassed by what he must have overheard. I should have said the words earlier.
“Here, honey. Let me give Matthew to Laura,” he said, reaching for the baby. I stepped back, holding Matthew tight.
“It’s okay, Dad. I kind of like holding him if you don’t mind,” the words were true. All of a sudden, my jealousy of this little baby seemed rather silly. I should have known Dad had enough love for us both.
“Kate, not that I’m not more than glad you’re here, but what happened? Is everything okay.”
“Mom sent a letter, Dad. Would you like to hear it?” I loosed my fist from around the letter, sitting so I could move Matthew to rest on my lap. I held the letter so that I could read it out loud.
“If you’d like to share it.” Dad waited patiently.
“I would, Dad. You deserve to hear it too.”
Kathryn-
I cannot tell you how much I regret what I’ve done. There aren’t words to express how much it hurts me to know I’m responsible for the pain I know you’re feeling. You may not believe me now, but if I had to do it over, I would do so many things differently.
The day I found out I was pregnant with you was the happiest day of my life. I didn’t intended on getting pregnant. It was the last thing I wanted, but from the moment I knew you existed, you were more important to me than anything. Everything I did from that moment on I did with the intent of protecting you.
Kyle and I had always had a rocky relationship. I guess true love is like that sometimes, almost as if God is testing you to see if you truly deserved his gift. We were both so young; too young I suppose. We didn’t understand we had something worth fighting for. Everything always came so easily to us both. Why should we have to fight for something?
The week before Kyle and I were to be married, we had a terrible fight. Even now when it’s so important to make you understand, I can’t remember what we fought about. But, in the end, Kyle walked out and the wedding was canceled. I blamed him, of course. After all, doesn’t the cliché say the guy is always the one afraid of commitment? Wasn’t our fight proof he couldn’t be trusted to love me forever?
My heart was broken, but I secretly was certain Kyle would come running back to me. I had it all planned out. I’d make him work for it – beg my forgiveness, swear to do whatever I wanted, get on his knees and promise he’d love me until the end of time. Weeks passed, and Kyle stayed away. I was at my lowest when I met your Dad.
David was the exact opposite of Kyle. Tall, blond, and serious. Awed by me in a way Kyle never was. His admiration was a balm to my battered self-confidence. I knew it would never work, but I enjoyed being with him. I’m not a horrible person; I told him everything. I told him I could never love him the way he deserved to be loved, but he persisted in his courtship.
On the day I found out I was pregnant with you, I knew I needed to break it off with him. There was no question of you being David’s child, so I could no longer let him continue on in the vain hope that I could love him as more than a friend. I knew then I would do whatever I needed to, sacrifice every bit of my enormous self pride, to get Kyle back.
That’s when I got scared. I suppose terrified describes it better. Kyle was so young – in years and attitude, especially when compared to David. You Dad has always been the responsible grown-up to the child I am even now. How could I trust Kyle would stay? How could I trust you, my precious baby, to our overly emotional, tumultuous relationship? Instead of running to Kyle, I begged David to marry me and to be a father to you. He loved me so much that he agreed.
It was stupid, short sighted, and horribly, unforgivably selfish. I made all sorts of justifications to myself, but in the end, I know what I did was wrong. I guess I always knew I’d be punished for the life I stole from you and Kyle. I think now, this estrangement from you, is part of my punishment. The rest will come when I leave this earth.
I was never a very good wife to your Dad. I came to love him in my own way, but it was never enough. When you were five, neither one of us could pretend any longer.
But whatever went on between David and me, he loved you fully and completely. David Swanson is your father, Kate, and no matter what happens between you and me or you and Kyle, nothing will ever change how he feels about you. I was right about one thing. David Swanson is a great father. You’re a very lucky girl to have grown up with him at your side.
I can’t undo what I did, Kate. If you need to hate me, I understand. I even suspect I deserve your disgust. I just ask you forgive your Dad. What he did, he did for love. I suppose some would say it was wrong – including David. He always thought you deserved to know. He even encouraged me to go to Kyle when we divorced. I wouldn’t listen.
And one more favor, although I deserve none. Give Kyle a chance. He loves you already. Of all the people involved in the mess I’ve made, he is a true innocent. If you can’t be with him as long as I am around, I’ll leave. I’ll go away and never see him again. I’ll sacrifice whatever is required if it means undoing some of the wrong I’ve done.
Kate, I love you. I will love you until the end of time. You are the child of my heart, the love of my soul, and I never meant to hurt you. Maybe someday you’ll understand my actions and forgive me. I’ll pray for that day to come, but considering I don’t think I can ever forgive myself, I’ll understand if it never does.
Love,
Mom
Dad and I were both crying soundlessly when I finished reading. I let myself slump onto his shoulder, taking comfort in his strong presence. Neither one of us spoke for several long minutes.
“She’s too hard on herself, Kate. I accept fault for my part in what we did. I would have done anything to keep your Mom with me, and I did. Like she said, we had our justifications, but nothing can ever excuse what we did.”
I looked at my Dad’s strong face. He was ready to accept whatever sentence I would pronounce. I felt my heart swell. “You know, Dad. Kyle said something earlier to me, and I think he’s right. It’s not a matter of forgiving you or Mom; it’s a matter of accepting. I accept what you did, and now I want my future. You’re my future, Mom’s my future, and Kyle’s my future. I’m not willing to give any of you up,” I reached over to hug him tightly, jiggling Matthew awake in the process. We both laughed when he started screaming angrily. It was just what we needed to break the mood. I’d been too serious for too long. The laughter felt exactly right.
“I need to go, Dad. I need to catch a flight to Los Angeles,” I explained. I could tell he understood.
In Los Angeles, I’d find my Mom, who I loved despite her faults, and Kyle, the father I’d never known.
And Logan.

© 2008-2009 Elizabeth Johnson

Chapter Nineteen

Poor me. Long day - left early but worked late. Too much work, too little time. Yawn. Whine. Other than that, all is good. Smile :) No energy for quippy commentary... Driting to sleep...

Okay, I'll stay awake long enough to post Chapter 19. Finally, Kate starts to recover. Thank goodness, I was starting to get depressed. Enjoy the faint shine of light. Pretty soon all will be bright and sunny. Sort of...

Chapter 19

I dreamed that night and the next. Bright, vivid dreams of the life that hadn’t been. Mom, Kyle, and me together as a family – birthdays, family holidays, vacations. There were simple times too. Nights in front of the TV, dinners of pizza ordered in, homework at the kitchen table. Kyle was there for it all in my dreams. Happiness and love ruled.
I woke both mornings crying for the life that should have been.
Through all of this, I’d lumped Kyle in with Mom. Mom’s betrayal and lies were Kyle’s. But that wasn’t the case, was it? Mom had betrayed us both and stolen nearly seventeen years of togetherness. I’d spent nearly seventeen years watching my father in movies, magazines, and television, never suspecting there should be more.
Kyle should hate Mom as much as I did. He should have been raging at her, blaming her for those lost years. He’d missed so much – my first step, my first word calling someone else Daddy, the minor scrapes and hurts, my first love…. All of those moments in time were gone, unrecoverable and irreplaceable. Yet, he forgave her. Somehow he still loved Mom.
The second night of dreams was the worst. After spending the entire day at Melanie’s house surrounded by family togetherness, I was especially vulnerable. I hadn’t wanted to be there; I’d known the price I would pay, but Melanie had come over and dragged me out of bed.
“It’s Labor Day, Kate. You’re coming over. Mom will never forgive me if I come back without you,” Melanie insisted.
“I’m fine here, Mel. Really, I want to be alone,” I said.
“Nope, sorry! You don’t have a choice. You may be a big celebrity to most, but I’ve known you since before you were even potty trained. When you’ve seen someone wear a diaper, Kate, they sort of lose their star power,” she teased. Her words might have lighthearted, but her expression was determined.
Shit! And I’d been looking forward to a day of uninterrupted moping.
“Whatever, Mel,” I rolled my eyes but got out of bed.
Melanie kept watch while I got ready. I could hear the sound of the television in the living room as I showered and attempted to dress. It sounded so normal I could almost believe this was like any other Labor Day. A last blast celebration of summer before school forced you to be a responsible human being once again.
The air that flowed in through my open windows was hot for September in Minnesota. The weathermen called it “Indian Summer”. I called it a disaster. Other than the light sundress I’d worn from Houston to Minnesota that was currently crumpled in the back of my closet, I had no summer clothes. I suppose I should have picked up a couple of things in Mankato yesterday, but yesterday’s cold weather had given no hint today’s balmy temperature. I was just contemplating the appropriateness of wearing pajama shorts and a too small tank top I found buried in my bottom dresser drawer when the doorbell rang.
Oh, hell. If it were David again, I would bury myself back in my bed. Mrs. Carlson would have to come and drag me out. No way was I coming out of my room if David Dad was out there.
“Mel, can you get it? If it’s my Dad, tell him I’m dead,” I yelled.
“It’s not your Dad, Kate. It’s a huge truck and a hunky delivery guy,” Melanie yelled back.
I quickly threw on the shorts and tank top, pausing briefly at the mirror to cringe. At least the hunky delivery guy wouldn’t recognize me. No one would ever believe Kate Broucheriou could look so ridiculous. Melanie had opened the front door before I made it to the living room.
“Delivery for Kate Swanson,” the deliveryman said as he held out a clipboard for my signature. The logo on his shirt matched the one at the top of the log sheet, “Speedy Courier Service.”
“That’s me,” I claimed, signing my name and handing the clipboard back to the courier.
“Here’s part of the delivery. The rest is in the truck,” he said as he handed me a letter. “Kate” was written on the front in Mom’s large looping handwriting. I let it fall to the ground. I almost didn’t make it to the couch before my legs gave way.
Melanie hurriedly grabbed the letter before racing over to the couch. “Kate! What’s the matter? It’s just a letter.”
“It’s from Mom,” I explained.
“And?” Melanie’s voice was mystified.
“And I want nothing to do with her. I can’t, won’t, read that letter,” I flinched away from the letter as if it were a poisonous snake when Melanie tried to hand it to me.
“It’s your Mom, Kate. I know you’re mad at her about something, but this is crazy. You love your Mom,” she replied.
“Throw it away, Melanie. I don’t want it.” I turned away from her. I didn’t want to even look at the letter.
“I’m not throwing it away. I’ll put it on the kitchen counter. If you want to throw it away, you’ll have to do it yourself,” she said firmly. Her tone of voice said she clearly thought she knew better than I did.
Maybe she did, but then again, Melanie didn’t know the whole story.
“Miss? Where do you want these boxes?” The deliveryman had a dolly filled with large boxes. Each box was labeled in Mom’s beautiful script – “Shoes and Purses”, “Tops and Dresses”, “Bottoms”, and “Pajamas and Undergarments.”
When I didn’t speak, Melanie answered, “Just leave them there.”
The rumble of the truck pulling away from the curb pulled me out of my surprised immobility.
“She sent my clothes,” I said in surprise. I had never thought she’d send my stuff. I had been certain she’d hold it hostage, using it as a glorious, sparkling lure to draw me back to her.
Mom would know I could buy more, but she had to have sensed how much these clothes meant to me. They symbolized my transformation into the real me. I might sometimes wish the transformation never happened, but at the same time, I treasured the memories of becoming the person I was meant to be. I’d always cherish my time in Mapleton, but at heart, it wasn’t me – genetically or emotionally. I might still be figuring out the rest of this mess but of that I was certain.
“ALL of these are clothes?” Melanie’s eyes lit up with excitement.
“Yes,” I laughed, grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the boxes. “Come on. I’ll show you!”
It was another hour before we made it to Melanie’s house. If not for Mrs. Carlson’s phone call demanding we come eat lunch, it probably would have been longer than that. Two teenage girls, even if one of them is depressed and mad at almost everyone she loved, and four boxes of designer apparel was bound to take some time to sort through. It took almost half an hour alone to pick out an outfit for the barbeque.
My resulting good mood evaporated as soon as I walked into Melanie’s back yard.
“Don’t be mad, Kate. He wanted to see you,” she grabbed my arm to keep me from walking back down the street away from Erik.
“How could you,” I cried. In my current state, I definitely wasn’t ready to see Erik.
“You would have had to face him tomorrow anyway,” Melanie shot back.
She was right. I would have had to face him tomorrow. “I’ll get you for this someday, Melanie Carlson,” I scowled, but turned around and walked into the backyard.
“Kate! Hey, honey, come get some food,” Mrs. Carlson called from the far side of the yard. I only had time to shoot Erik a nervous smile before being engulfed in the force of nature that was the Carlsons.
It wasn’t as if we didn’t speak. There were plenty of “Pass the mustard?” and “Yeah, it sure is hot today.” but no real conversation. Amazingly, there was a naturalness to our words and expressions that shocked me. Where were the angry glares I had expected? Where was the bitterness of our last conversation? I suppose he could have been being polite for the Carlson’s sake, but it didn’t feel like it.
There was something more, too. Something I might have missed if I hadn’t known these people so well. Once I saw it though, I knew I wasn’t mistaken. I might be absorbed in my own problems, but even through that absorption, the truth was obvious. A lot of things had changed while I was away.
“How long have you and Erik been together,” I questioned as soon as I got Melanie alone. I’d made up an excuse to get her up to her room and pounced as soon as the door shut.
The guilty look on her face told me I was right.
“It’s not like that, Kate,” she insisted. But it was. I could tell.
“You don’t have to lie, Melanie. I’m not mad.” I tried to keep my voice even and non-accusing. I wasn’t really. There was a weird, alternate universe feeling at seeing how they were drawn together, but other than that, I was fine.
“I’m not lying, Kate. You’re my best friend; I’d never do that to you,” Melanie persisted. I raised my eyebrows, looking her directly in the eyes, and waited for her to continue.
“He’s great, Kate. You know that better than anyone. When you broke up with him, he was so hurt. I did my best to comfort him – in a completely platonic way of course. I knew you’d want me to. Anyway, we both sort of let other feelings get involved.”
She seemed so sad, so remorseful. I could almost picture how it happened.
“Nothing’s happened. Neither one of us will let anything happen.” She was obviously telling the truth.
“That’s silly, Mel. Erik and I are done. You have my permission to be happy,” I leaned over to give her a hug.
“Are you sure, Kate? You don’t want to wait until you figure out what’s going on with Logan,” she asked, still uncertain.
“Melanie, I mean it. Even if Logan and I break-up for good, I can’t go back to Erik.” Erik and I weren’t meant to be together. I could suddenly see that Erik and Melanie were.
Melanie was beaming when we finally returned to the back yard. Erik protectively studied Melanie’s expression before turning to me. He mouthed “Thank you” to me before continuing with the conversation he was having with Mr. Carlson not quite able to hid the look of happiness in his eyes.
I made my excuses as soon as I could realistically do so. School was tomorrow. I needed my beauty sleep. I needed to clean the house a bit before tomorrow. They all sounded hollow to me, but Mrs. Carlson let me go. As I walked out the gate, I saw Erik gravitate towards Melanie. Tonight they could finally be together. Free of guilt and self-denial. It felt good to see them happy. It felt even better that I could be a part of making them that way.

© 2008-2009 Elizabeth Johnson

Chapter Eighteen

Wow! Nickelback was fantastic last night. I've seen them several times in the last year, but this was the best. It was their last North American stop for 2009, and they came to party. They were having so much fun that they even played past the legal time for a concert in The Woodlands, costing them ~$35,000 ($5000/min after 11 PM). Saving Abel, Papa Roach, and Hinder were amazing too. Lots of love to my middle baby Hannah and her friend Laura, Kathryn and Tabbi, and Kristen who experienced it all with me.

Unfortunately, the late night combined with a morning church service have made me really tired. Thankfully, I didn't have much else to do today!! I should have just enough energy to make it through the Tru Blood season finale tonight. Yummmmm!!! Eric!!! If you've read the books, you'll know about the whole Bill/Sookie/Eric love triangle. I'm a Eric fan. I like my imaginary version of Eric better than the show version - he's bigger, brawnier, and rivals a male model in my head. Double Yummmm!!

My imaginary vision of Logan isn't nearly as brawny, but he's just as cute. Not that Logan is much more than an angry memory in Chapter 18. Of course, most everything is an angry memory in Chapter 18. Our heroine isn't exactly in the best mood. I've said it before, but I'll say it again. Poor Kate :)

Chapter 18

The sun was low in the sky when I finally opened my eyes. I didn’t need to look at my watch to know I’d slept for a very long time. Everything felt wrong. The air was too cold and house too small. The couch was simple upholstery instead of soft leather. But most of all, I could feel I was completely and utterly alone.
The pain that had vibrated through my entire body when I left the hotel was now a solidified throbbing lump near my heart. It was a living, breathing thing, my body simply its carrier. At least I no longer had to think. The only action required of me was to breath, eat, and drink – all simple bodily needs requiring no real effort on my part.
Since I had to do something, I stood up and walked through the house, turning off the air conditioning and opening windows to let in the cool early fall air. These small tasks were done too quickly. What did I do now? The eerily quiet house mocked me. Nothing to do and nobody to do it with.
The only thing in the refrigerator was a solo can of Diet Coke, so I ignored my growling stomach and made do with gulping the drink in the middle of the kitchen. I’d have to go out for food eventually – just not now. As the caffeine jump-started the sensory parts of my brain, I began to feel the thin layer of grime coating my body and the disgusting sensation of unclean teeth. Holding the remains of my drink, I headed for the shower. Unfortunately, the heat of the shower and the rough bristles of the new toothbrush pulled from the medicine cabinet only cleaned my body. They did little to clean the stain on my soul.
The living, breathing thing that had taken me over still throbbed in time to my heart.
It was fully dark when I stumbled out of the bathroom. Although I hadn’t been awake long, the need to lose myself again in the oblivion of sleep pulled me to my bedroom. The thick mattress, the peaceful colors, the flowing white curtains all welcomed me as if I’d never left. The optimism of the old me, the certainty of who and what I was, the pure innocence could be felt in the room. I allowed myself to sink into its comfort. Maybe if I didn’t leave this space, maybe if I stayed very still and hoped, maybe I could pretend I was still the same person who’d walked out of this space three months ago.
The sun was bright, but the house still too cold when I opened my eyes for the second time. The happy feeling that always filled me when in my room flared brightly before being ruthlessly smashed by the living, breathing pain creature. Oh, that’s right. I wasn’t happy. I’d never be happy again.
It was a moment before I registered the pounding at the front door. I pulled the blankets up over my head and prayed whoever it was would go away, but the pounding continued. Shit, this was Mapleton. At least five people would be watching the pounding intently. I’d gotten used to being the topic of media discussion, but in its own way, Mapleton’s gossip could be more brutal. Before my uninvited guest could pound again, I pulled myself out of bed and yanked the door open.
“Kate! Thank God you’re okay. Your Mom and I have been so worried.” David gasped. The man I’d called Dad for seventeen years reached out to me, but before he could touch me, I yanked my body back. David looked as if I’d slapped him.
“Of course I’m not okay, David. I am still breathing, though.” My voice was flat and unemotional. I didn’t allow myself to react to the agony in his expression.
“Katie, can I come in? Please,” he pleaded.
I didn’t want to let him, but if I didn’t, everyone in town would be talking about it by the end of the day. Stepping back to let him in, I shut the door behind him with a slam.
“What could you possibly want, David,” I asked. The hurt and pain living inside me pleaded to be let loose. It wanted to flow out of me and destroy this person who’d pretended to be someone he wasn’t for my entire life. That it would destroy me and what remained of my sanity in the process was of little consequence.
“You’re my daughter, Kate. I love you. You need to believe that.” His soft blue eyes, so different from mine, implored me to believe him.
How had I not noticed our differences? David Swanson and I looked nothing alike. How had I never thought to wonder?
“But I’m not, am I? You’ve known that all along.” It felt good to finally make the accusation.
“I’m your father in the only way that has ever mattered, Kate. I’ve loved you since before you were born. I will love you until I take my last breath.”
Sure. Right. You didn’t lie to the ones you loved.
“Did it just slip your mind to tell me? Did you think I didn’t need to know? Didn’t, at some point in the last SEVENTEEN years, it occur to you that well, shoot, maybe today I should tell Kate I’m not HER REAL FATHER?????” I struggled to control my anger as it fought to be released.
David’s chin dropped to his chest. I watched as he struggled to control his breathing. “I wanted to tell you. We both did. There was always some excuse. The time just never seemed right. We planned on telling you eventually.”
“Well, eventually just came, but nobody told me. I had to overhear Mom, Bridgette, telling Kyle. Of course, he figured it out on his own. I was apparently the only person to stupid to not know.”
He visibly cringed. “That’s what your Mom assumed. Logan only knew you’d found out.”
“Yes, DAMN IT, that’s what happened.” The pain throbbed harder.
“They’re all sick with worry, Kate. Call them, honey. They love you very much.” He tried to take my hand. Yanking it away, I walked to the door. If he didn’t leave soon, it’d be too much. I couldn’t think about it any more.
“I think it’s best you leave. Don’t bother coming back. I’ll be fine here. I have a credit card for food. I’ll even start school with the rest of the kids. Just please tell Bridgette to leave me alone.” It was my turn to plead.
“Kate….” He looked torn.
“Please, Daddy. Oh, God, please just leave me alone.” Agony I could no longer hold at bay ripped through me. I needed my Dad, but he no longer existed.
“Katie.” He cried, trying to touch me once again.
“NO!!” I yelled, ripping open the door. “Leave.”
“I will for now, Kate. But I’ll be back. I love you, and I’m not giving up on that.” The soft click of the closing front door echoed through the house.
When I heard his car pull out of the driveway, I moved. I could do this. I wouldn’t cry. I wouldn’t mourn the loss of who I’d been anymore. I’d put my life back together. It was just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other until it became a habit. My mother and apparently my father were actors. I would just have to learn how to act too.
What did normal people do?
My stomach growled in response. Food. How long had it been since I’d eaten? I couldn’t even remember. I’d have to go to the grocery store. Okay, good. That was a start. What else did normal people do? Oh, yeah. School. I forced my mind to remember what day it was. My world had shattered on Thursday; Logan had betrayed me on Friday morning so today would be Sunday. That meant tomorrow was Labor Day and school started on Tuesday. I’d need school supplies. Normal kids bought school supplies.
Clothes? I’d left Houston so quickly that almost everything I owned was still there, including the beautiful fall school clothes I’d so happily bought with Mom at my side. The clothes neatly hanging in my closet felt wrong. They were Kate Swanson’s. No matter how much I wanted it to be otherwise, I wasn’t Kate Swanson. Kate Swanson was David Swanson’s daughter. I may not be sure of who I was, but I wasn’t that girl. I’d have to go to Minneapolis soon to find appropriate Kate Broucheriou clothing.
Melanie! I still had Melanie. She stuck with me through my breakup with Erik. I could trust her, and she’d be worried about me. I grabbed my phone, intending to send her a text message but put it down before dialing. I’d go to her now. I needed to see my best friend. Now.
Melanie’s house was less than a block away from mine. Small and simple, it at least felt like home. It sounded like home too. Unlike the stark quiet that had welcomed me back to my house, noise blared from Melanie’s house. I could hear her little brother yelling in the kitchen and her older brother playing some sort of video game in the living room.
The low purr of my car must have penetrated the noise because, as soon as I turned off the car, Boo, Melanie’s black lab, raced from the backyard to greet me.
“Hey, Boo. Hey, baby,” I cooed as the gigantic dog hopped up and down, doing his best to lick every inch of my face in greeting.
“Boo? Shut up. Boo???….. Kate!!” I didn’t have time to react to Melanie’s screech before she launched herself at me. All of my problems were temporarily forgotten as I was crushed in my best friend’s embrace.
“Melanie! Oh, my God, I missed you,” I said.
“Why are you here? I thought you were going to LA. I was worried when you didn’t call, but I figured you were just getting settled in,” she gushed.
Pain warred with the joy of our reunion. That’s right. I wasn’t supposed to be here.
“Change of plans,” I tried to keep my voice light. “I decided to come home.”
“But…” Melanie started.
“Melanie! What are you doing out there? Come on in for breakfast,” Melanie’s mom called from the kitchen.
“Come on inside, Kate. Mom is making pancakes.”
The loneliness that engulfed me since I returned to Mapleton lifted just a little bit at the sound of her mom’s voice. I’d always considered Mrs. Carlson a second mom. Through the years, she’d always been there. She’d been the mediator when Melanie and I argued, the cook when Mom had worked late at the store, and tutor when I’d needed help at school. She’d shared in my laughter and dried my tears. And, although she lacked the dazzling glory of Bridgette Swanson, Gail Carlson was pretty close to awesome.
Hand in hand, Melanie and I walked inside to find Mrs. Carlson at the stove. As she turned her head mid-pancake flip, Melanie announced, “Mom, look who’s back.”
“Kate!!” Mrs. Carlson’s cry was nearly as deafening as Melanie’s. She dropped her spatula to grab my shoulders and kiss my cheek. “Oh my goodness, Kate. You’re so beautiful. I mean, you’ve always been beautiful. I’ve seen you on the television and in the magazines this summer, of course, but they didn’t do you justice. You’ve grown into a very beautiful women.”
Tears prickled at the back of my eyes. Her voice was just so…. motherly.
I quickly blinked back my tears. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Melanie’s brow crinkle with concern. Mrs. Carlson might have missed the tears, but Melanie knew me too well.
“Thank you, Mrs. Carlson,” I said.
“Well, sit down. We’re getting a slow start today. Breakfast is almost ready.” She flipped fresh pancakes onto plates for Melanie and me. Bacon and eggs followed the pancakes. My empty stomach practically jumped for joy. The rest of me wasn’t so convinced.
The kitchen was too alive. Melanie’s brothers argued good naturedly over who got the last piece of bacon. Mr. Carlson playfully kissed the back of Mrs. Carlson’s neck. Everything was warm and loving and homey.
It reminded me of everything I was trying to forget.
“So, Kate. How’s your Mom? Your Dad? I just saw him and Laura a couple of days ago. They didn’t tell me you’d decided to come home. Laura says Matthew’s a good sleeper, so hopefully he won’t be keeping you up too much. Melanie will sure hate having you so far away,” Mrs. Carlson babbled away as she cleaned the kitchen. The noise had decreased to a low roar, the typical decibel level in the Carlson house, and conversation was once again possible – unfortunately. I’d been hoping to avoid this discussion.
“They’re both fine, Mrs. Carlson.” Well, not really, but…. “I won’t be staying with Dad and Laura, though. I’m staying in town.” I saw Melanie’s forehead crinkle again.
“What?? Why would you do that? I’m sure it would be a lot of fun to stay with your Dad for awhile.” Mrs. Carlson’s voice was perplexed.
“I’m sure it would be fun, but I would rather stay in town.” I tried to keep my voice firm and confident.
“Well, if it’s okay with your Mom and Dad. You’re welcome to stay here whenever you want.” She strained to keep her voice positive. It was a struggle; I could tell her motherly instincts knew something was wrong. But she didn’t pry.
Melanie on the other hand… I had a feeling she wouldn’t be as unwilling to probe into the details.
“Come on, Kate. Didn’t you say something about needing to go into Mankato? Let’s go,” Melanie demanded.
“Sure, Mel. We’ll take my car,” I responded. Thanks to the glories of my beautiful car, I should be able to avoid Melanie’s probing. Temporarily, at least. The concerned look she’d given me in her kitchen would still be there while she thoroughly admired the new car. It would just be hidden behind an expression of envious car-adoration.
The short drive to Mankato passed quickly. The twenty minute drive that had always seemed so long before my time in Houston was over before there was time to ready myself or Melanie for the inevitable attention. Even in Mankato and even while wearing a simple pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, America’s Sweetheart would be instantly recognizable. Uncomfortable questions were far easier to avoid than well meaning fans.
“I’m sorry about this, Melanie,” I apologized in advance. “Just smile and follow my lead.” My words echoed those spoken by Mom so long ago as we’d arrived in Houston. I hadn’t really understood what she meant then. I doubt Melanie did now.
The attention didn’t start right away. Melanie and I were able to make it past the cash registers, through the electronics section, and to the school supplies department before the first group of people approached. Everyone was very Minnesota nice, but as one group followed another that followed another, Melanie’s eyes grew huge. Signing autographs and politely speaking to everyone who approached me made picking out mundane items such as pens and pencils nearly impossible. Eventually, Melanie grabbed the list and shopped for me while I did my impression of a social butterfly.
It was more than I could handle – the pain creature throbbed with every question about Mom or Kyle or Logan, but I refused to act like Savannah during our Galleria shopping spree. This was my home, and these people cared about me. The least I could do, even if all I wanted to do was close my eyes and forget about everything that had happened in the past few days, was talk to them.
The grocery store was more of the same. Pick out a box of cereal, say hello, grab some cans of soup, sign an autograph, choose a container of ice cream, shake a hand or return a hug. By the time I loaded the car with all of my purchases, I was exhausted and hurting. All I wanted to do was crawl into my bed.
I might have been exhausted, but Melanie appeared shell-shocked.
“Wow. Is that how it always is?” Her voice was both horrified and impressed.
“Not always. But a lot of the time. They got used to us a bit in Houston,” I replied. “The attention is fun sometimes. It goes to your head. It becomes addictive.”
“Hopefully they get used to you here soon. Otherwise, I’ll have to become your personal shopper,” she teased.
I smiled a smile that didn’t reach my eyes. They’d get used to me again. Kate Broucheriou would get absorbed back into the fabric of southern Minnesota. She’d never be Kate Swanson again, but time would pass and the throbbing pain creature would fade away. Eventually.
Melanie saw the emotions as they passed across my face.
“What’s wrong, Kate? I know there’s something you’re not telling me,” Melanie finally said.
Ignoring her question as I started the car and pulled out of the parking lot, I considered what I would say. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone the full story. Melanie, however, could be trusted. She’d known all of my secrets since we’d been old enough to have secrets. If it were only a matter of secrets, I’d tell her everything.
“There’s a lot wrong, Mel. My life has been thrown upside down. I’m not speaking to Mom or Dad.”
“What happened?”
“Can we not talk about it right now? It’s too new, too fresh,” my eyes begged her to understand.
“Sure, I guess. But, what about Logan?”
What about Logan? The still fresh pain insisted I was right to have walked out on him. He’d betrayed me too, just like Mom and Dad. The miniscule part of me that was still able to reason and think, though, was whispering that I might have struck out mindlessly and without reason at someone who didn’t deserve to be attacked. “Logan loves you,” it said. “He didn’t really know anything. He only guessed.”
“I don’t know, Melanie. Things weren’t left so good with him. I guess I’m not really speaking to him either.” The whispering part of me groaned in memory of those last moments in Logan’s room. Tears filled my eyes.
“Kate….” Melanie looked as if she wanted to push for more details but stopped when she saw the tears. “Oh, Kate!”
Melanie reached over to grab my hand and squeeze it in support. “I’m here when you finally want to talk about it.”
“Thanks, Mel. I love you. Hey, think about all the good sleepovers we can have. No mom in sight,” I said forcing my self to joke. The words fell flat, but she let them pass, smiling while squeezing my hand a second time.
I dropped Melanie off at her house, ignoring her pleads for me to come inside for dinner. I’d done more than I thought possible today – walking, talking, eating, and drinking like a normal person. More family time with the Carlson’s would be too much. If I wasn’t careful, I’d think too much – remember too much. And, if I did think too much, the pain creature might tear my heart apart.
As I drifted to sleep that night, pictures of my past flashed through my head - the love, happiness, and joy that used to make up my life. No longer could I claim to be part of that charmed life. My luck had finally run out. Kate Broucheriou would have to make her own luck.

© 2008-2009 Elizabeth Johnson

Chapter Seventeen

Yeah! It's Saturday. Tonight, in spite of the grey skies and drizzle, I am going to Nickelback, my favorite band. It'll be muddy and squishy on the lawn, but who cares. I wanna be a rock star!!! I didn't forget about you. Never. I might of been too tired last night to even look at the computer, but today is a new day and a new chapter for all of you.

To match the depressing weather, our book goes from happy to sad... very, very sad. Poor, poor Kate. We're getting in the section of the book that my 15 year old liked best, and she's not even clinically depressed :) I like writing the sad parts as much as the happy. It's very cathartic. It's like watching a tear jerker movie. When you get out of the movie, your world seems so much better. That's what the next couple of chapters are like. Don't worry. It gets happy by the end. I'll give you that much of a hint.

Chapter 17


The hotel lobby was empty when I entered. I hesitated for a moment, unsure of what to do. I didn’t have a key, and although I could probably convince the front desk clerk to give me one, I wasn’t sure I wanted to risk the publicity. My only real options were to either wait in the middle of the lobby or sit in the hotel bar.
I hadn’t taken a drink since the nightclub episode with Savannah. The remembered embarrassment and discomfort following the drinking worked effectively as a deterrent to any sort of alcohol. Up to now. I desperately needed and deserved the blessed numbness drinking brought.
I ordered myself a bottle of beer and sat down at a table with a clear view of the lobby, not even worrying about my age this time. I was Kate Broucheriou, wasn’t I? Or should it be Kate Thomas now? If I wasn’t careful, I though bitterly, I’d need a spreadsheet to keep track of my names. One thing was for certain; I was no longer Kate Swanson.
I quickly finished my first beer, raising my hand to motion for a second before my eyes could overflow with tears.
God, where was Logan. I looked at the face of my phone. The tears started again. I gulped down the second beer and motioned for a third. How many beers would it take before I’d forget Kyle’s words making me his daughter?
How long would it take for Mom to realize I was gone? Would she even notice I was gone? There was a time not so long ago I would never have thought she could forget I existed. Now I wasn’t so certain. This wasn’t Mapleton, and she was no longer the Mom I grew up with. The tears fell unabated onto the table. I raised my hand for a fourth beer. Where was the numbness I craved?
And Dad. David Dad. Not Kyle Dad. For my entire life, David Swanson had pretended to love me. His fascination with Matthew suddenly made sense. Matthew was his biological child – something he never had before. No wonder I felt as if I was demoted to second place in his heart the moment Matthew had been born. I was already there. I raised my hand for my fifth beer.
Who did I believe? Who did I trust? Logan. Melanie. Where did I live? No way was I living with my mother. David? Absolutely not. I wouldn’t want to interrupt his time with his “real” child. Logan. Maybe. Of course, even though I’d turned seventeen a couple weeks before, that would be difficult. My head collapsed into my arms. No numbness. I was nearly floating in a sea of beer, and I could still remember every word, every expression.
“Well, well, if it isn’t Katie. America’s little princess. I thought you didn’t drink, sweetie? I thought you were too good for that?” Savannah’s snide voice interrupted my thoughts. I hadn’t talked to her since the scene at the restaurant.
“Go away, Savannah.” I didn’t even bother lifting my head. Hearing her walk away, I thanked God for small favors. I couldn’t deal with Savannah. Not after all I’d been through tonight.
“Now, Kathryn. If you’d stuck with me instead of Goody Goody Logan, you would have learned. Beer doesn’t do shit when you really need it. Now tequila. Tequila can be our friend.” Savannah returned holding a bottle of clear liquid.
“Please, Savannah, go away,” I moaned.
“What’s wrong, Kate? Did you forget to say thank you to the doorman?” Sarcasm was thick in her voice.
“Why do you want to know? Have another reporter you want to sell a story to? I could pose for a picture if you’d like.” I could use sarcasm too.
“Don’t be like that, Kate. I did you a favor. You’d still be lost in obscurity without those pictures. You may even still be with Farmer Joe. That would have been a fate worse than death!” She reached out and poured me a glass of the clear liquid.
“Why, Savannah? I don’t get it? Why did you do it?” I’d wanted to ask for a long time.
“Because I hated you. Sure, you and your sweet little small town ways fascinated me, but even though I almost liked you, I couldn’t let you and your mom get away with it. You two ruined everything for me this summer. The role of Anna was supposed to be mine. Logan was supposed to be mine. Nobody takes what’s mine and survives.” Her voice vibrated with loathing. “Or maybe I just did it for fun? I don’t really remember any more.” She laughed bitterly, picking up her own glass and downing the clear liquid in one gulp.
“Logan wasn’t yours Savannah.”
“But he would have been.” She said the words as if they were absolute fact. Who knows? Without me around, maybe he would have been. The thought made a shiver of horror travel up my spine. “Drink, Katie. If we can’t be friends, we can at least drink together.”
What the hell? What did I care? I mimicked her earlier motion and downed the drink. Savannah laughed loudly and refilled my glass.
Finally, as the smooth fluid traveled down my throat and toward my stomach, I felt the beginnings of the oblivion I was searching for. I eagerly drank the second glass, and through the haze of the resulting fog, studied Savannah’s face. Since I hated Mom myself, I found it impossible to hate Savannah for feeling the same way.
“She’s a liar. You know that, right,” I slurred.
“Who’s a liar, sweetie,” Savannah questioned.
“Mom. She’s a liar. Everything’s always been a lie.”
“Oh, do tell,” she responded eagerly.
“It doesn’t make sense. How could she do it? How could she never tell me the truth,” I asked as Savannah’s face blurred in front of my eyes.
“It’s horrible,” she agreed. “I can’t imagine how you must feel. Here, have another drink, and you can tell me all about it.” The world spun as I watched her re-fill my glass once again.
Before I could lift it to my lips, a hand stopped me.
“Kate. What are you doing?” Logan glanced at my face with concern and back at Savannah with hatred.
My heart soared with relief, “Logan! Thank God you’re here.” I launched myself unsteadily into his arms.
“What did she do to you, Kate,” he said with concern. I was lifted into his strong arms and carried into the lobby.
“Go to hell, Logan. I didn’t do anything. I was trying to rescue our little Katie-bears.” Savannah gulped the remaining liquid out of her glass and followed us into the lobby.
“Rescue, my ass, Savannah. You only ever think about yourself.”
“Ask her, Logan. She keeps mumbling nonsense about Bridgette. Frankly I don’t give a shit,” she responded angrily and trounced out of the hotel.
“What’s she talking about, Kate,” Logan asked with concern. We were still standing in the middle of the lobby.
“Can we please just go upstairs?” I pressed my lips into his neck. Suddenly I didn’t want to talk about Mom and Kyle. I just needed to be held. I needed to experience Logan’s love.
We managed to make it as far as the elevator before my chaste kisses turned into something more. Logan tensed as my hands trailed down his chest to the base of his shirt. I yanked urgently on it, pulling it over his head. He turned his head to meet my seeking lips.
The ping of the elevator signaled our arrival at his floor. Logan fumbled in his pocket for his key, but I was too lost in his touch to notice when he opened the door to his room. The thick bed cushioned our fall as we collapsed on it. Since my dress was already bunched around my hips, it was easy to pull up and over my head. Logan stopped, stunned for a moment, before gathering me closely in his arms. I concentrated on tracing the hard planes of his stomach while his hand drifted down to my upper leg.
“I love you, Kate. I love you so much.”
I loved him too. My eyes filled with what started as tears of joy. Once started, though, they quickly turned to tears of remembered pain and betrayal. Why couldn’t I forget?! Even for one moment! I pulled away, turning on my side and curling into a fetal ball. The tears quickly turned into sobs.
“Honey, what did I do? Did I hurt you? Kate, I love you. I’d never make you do anything you didn’t want to do!” His words were frantic with worry.
I tried to choke out the words that would reassure him, “Not…..you……” I heard his sigh of partial relief.
“Was it Savannah? I’ll go find her now. I’ll kill her for hurting you!” I felt the bed squeak as he moved to stand.
“NO!” He couldn’t leave. I needed him too much. “It wasn’t Savannah!”
“Then what, Kate?
The sobs just came harder, quaking my body with their force. I shook my head in refusal.
“Please…. hold me.”
He must have heard the desperation in my voice because the questions stopped. My shoulders sagged in relief when I was pressed close to his body. Slowly, my sobs quieted and my breathing evened. Logan’s touch calmed me until I eventually drifted to sleep.
“I love you, Logan.” I whispered. In that last moment of consciousness, I heard him whisper, “I love you too.”

BANG!! BANG!!! BANG!!!
The loud sound of pounding penetrated the fog of my deep sleep. I lifted my head off the bed, realizing where I was immediately. Logan’s body was curved protectively around mine. I wearily dropped my head, wiggling to press my body closer.
“Go back to sleep, Kate,” his lips touched my neck and his hand curled more tightly around my stomach. The feel of his intimate touch on my bare flesh did more to wake me up then the banging.
BANG!! BANG!!! BANG!!!
“Kathryn Swanson! I know you’re in there. Savannah called to tell me this morning. LET ME IN!!” Mom’s screaming voice brought everything back. I sat up with a start.
“Kate, come on honey. Lay back down.” Logan’s hand reached to pull me back. When I wouldn’t, he sat up behind me. His arms wrapped around me and his lips found their previous position on my neck.
“Logan! It’s my mother.”
My lying BITCH of a mother. The woman who’d kept my real father from me for my entire life. The flood of anger that hit me surprised me with its force. God, how I hated her!
“Shit, Kate. Go let her in.” He finally appeared to realize we were both half clothed, and I was sitting in his lap and his very slept in bed.
“I don’t want to Logan. I hate her!,” I said vehemently.
“What’s going on? Since when do you hate your mother,” he questioned, puzzled.
I turned to look him in the eye. And told him the truth.
“Since I found out Kyle was my real father.”
It took a minute, but I finally realized Logan’s eyes showed a complete lack of surprise.
“You knew,” I accused.
My heart plummeted. I felt the last bit of my remaining naïve trust seep out of me.
Logan knew.
Did everyone lie? Mom, Kyle, David, Savannah, and now Logan? I bent down to grab my wrinkled dress off the floor.
“I didn’t know, Kate. I only suspected. You look just like him and your birthday is so close to the time they broke up.” Logan’s eyes followed my motions cautiously as I bent to pick up my shoes and purse from the ground.
“You’re all alike. Do they teach you to lie when you become an actor or is it just something you’re born with?” Pain shot through me. I almost couldn’t breath.
“Kate! Stop it! I love you! Don’t do this!” Logan’s eyes urged me to calm down. He reached out for me, but I quickly jerked away.
BANG!! BANG!!! BANG!!!
“Kathryn Raquel Swanson! If you don’t let me in, I’ll get the manager to do so,” Mom threatened.
“You don’t have to lie anymore Logan.” I ignored the sound of his denial. “Would you do me one last favor? Can you tell Bridgette I never want to talk to her again?”
I yanked the door open. Bridgette’s arm was raised in mid pound.
“Kate!”
I ignored her. I ignored the mother I had loved more than anything or anyone and now could never trust again. My losses were now complete. I’d lost everyone I loved. I could never trust again.
Bridgette’s voice called to me down the hall as I stepped into the elevator.
“Kate! Stop!”
But I didn’t. Even when I got in my perfect little car, I didn’t stop. I didn’t stop until I was halfway to Dallas and the car’s gas light blinked at me. As the miles flew by, I ignored every call, text, and email. I ignored the need to eat. I ignored the need to drink. The only need that mattered was to put as much distance between Houston and me.
Seventeen hours later, I pulled into Mapleton. I made it as far as the living room before I collapsed on the couch and fell asleep. Only the constant ringing of the phone disturbed my nightmares as I tossed and turned in restless grief.

© 2008 - 2009 Elizabeth Johnson