Chapter Twenty

I have to work tonight! Yuck!! Real work, and it's not fair! I hate working at home. Unfortunately, no time, too much work, and an interview tomorrow afternoon with a new department. Wish me luck all. It's still engineering, but it's different engineering. Hopefully, it includes some travel, a Blackberry, more money, and a lot more respect. Oh, but if wishes were horses... So, I'm keeping it short tonight. Love you all. Thanks for reading. I promise to write more soon.

Back to school time for Kate! Only going back to school for Kate isn't exactly the same as it is for my girls. The mythical "they" say there is no going home, and for Kate, after spending the summer plastered all over the tabloids, Mapleton doesn't look at her exactly the same. This a cool chapter, and we learn a lot more about Kate and Bridgette. The sun is definitely getting brighter...

Chapter 20


I walked to school with Melanie the next morning. The dream about Kyle, Mom and me was still fresh in my mind, but I was ready to face the first day of my senior year. Dressed in a snug jeans perfectly faded to look older than they actually were and a soft, baby-doll shirt layered with a matching tank top, I took the time to perfectly arrange my curls and apply a light layer of make-up. I looked every bit the affluent teenager I was – something completely out of place in my small Minnesota hometown.
I felt awkward and out of place, a feeling that was only intensified when I entered the bustling halls of the school and heard them go completely silent. The silence only lasted for a second before starting up again, louder than before. No one approached me; they only stared as if they’d never seen me before. Erik joined us, taking Melanie’s hand, as we walked down the hall towards the front office. If it hadn’t been for their strong support, I think I would have turned and run back home.
I hurried to grab my schedule (Erik and Melanie had gotten their schedules at orientation the week before) from the overly interested office clerk. She handed it to me without question, but I saw her pick up the phone before the door shut behind me. Before lunch, the entire town (and most of Mankato) would know I was back in town to stay.
Erik, Melanie, and I walked to our first class together. Since there weren’t many classes to pick from, our schedules generally meshed. Only for the period right before lunch would we be separated. For that period, I was scheduled for theatre class while Erik was off to athletics and Melanie had Home Economics. Last spring, when I wasn’t been a celebrity myself, it had seemed like a fun idea. I’d considered it an opportunity to see if any of Mom’s talent had rubbed off. Unfortunately, now it just seemed masochistic.
“Welcome home, Kate. It’s glad to see you back,” Mr. O’Brien greeted. Mr. O’Brien taught both English and theatre. He’d been begging me for years to be a part of his plays, but up until last spring, I’d resisted. I was now regretting the moment of weakness.
“It’s nice to be back, Mr. O’Brien,” I said simply. Maybe if I didn’t speak too much he’d forget I was here. Unlikely, even if I wasn’t Bridgette’s daughter, in a class of only twenty people, but a girl could hope.
I watched the rest of the class file in from my position at the rear of the room. A couple of kids said “Hi” and a few smiled and waved but most just stared. I sighed internally, wondering how long it would take for them to forget I was someone other than the girl they grew up with. I might be someone different. I knew that, but even the new me didn’t deserve to be their stares.
“Class! Listen up. This semester we’ll be preparing for the fall play. We’re particularly lucky to have Kate Swanson in our class this year. Kate, as you all know, is the daughter of Academy Award winning actress Bridgette Broucheriou. Kate’s also had the opportunity to spend the summer on the set of a real movie. Kate, would you mind telling the class a little bit about your summer? Come on. Come to the front of the class. We all want to hear about your summer.”
Oh, God. I glanced at the ground, hoping it would open up and swallow me whole. Just what I needed – more reason for people to stare at me. I should have known this was coming. Everyone would be dying to know the inside scoop on my summer, the secrets the media didn’t report. Mr. O’Brien was just the brave one to start the information feeding frenzy.
I would cheerfully have slit his throat, but the only thing that would have accomplished was to give people more to talk about. Instead I stood and headed to the front of the class where Mr. O’Brien stood gesturing in what could be loosely termed an enthusiastic manner.
“I didn’t really spend the summer on the set of Dawn’s New Light, Mr. O’Brien. I really didn’t do much more than sit out by the pool. There’s nothing to tell you,” I explained.
“Oh, but Kate. You got to hang out with all of those huge stars. Tell us what you learned about acting and the movie industry,” he pushed, undeterred by my unenthusiastic words.
“Well, the stars of the movie are Mom, Kyle Thomas, Savannah Sears, and Logan St. James. You all know Mom. Kyle, Savannah, and Logan are just like you and me.” Well, maybe not Savannah. Savannah is a bitch. But they didn’t need to know that. Or that Logan’s kisses make my head spin. Or that Kyle is actually my real father. Nope, they didn’t need to know any of those things.
Shit, Kyle was my real father. My stomach dropped into my toes and the world spun as my dreams came flooding back to me. Out of nowhere, something became instantaneously clear. If there was one person in the world who should be in my life right now, it was Kyle Thomas. We deserved some time together to heal and learn. We deserved each other.
There, in the middle of the drama room, I felt the overwhelming need to talk to the one person in the world who would understand the pain of betrayal and the fear of the unknown that overwhelmed me. I needed that connection more than I had ever needed anything else.
“What did you learn about acting, Kate,” Mr. O’Brien looked eager for more. I knew I was disappointing him. I couldn’t have cared less. The only thing I cared about was escaping this conversation, the room, and the school.
“I learned acting isn’t what everyone expects,” I paused before coughing conspicuously. “You know, Mr. O’Brien, I don’t feel good. I think I need to get a drink of water. Can I be excused?”
Without waiting for his answer, I bolted for the door. I didn’t stop to think about what I was doing; I just reacted to the driving need, letting it propel me out the school’s side door and the short distance to my house.
I didn’t dial the phone until I was safely seated in the middle of my bed. My fingers shook as they dialed the phone. It was answered on the first ring.
“Kate! We’ve been so worried about you! Thank God you called,” he exclaimed. I cringed at his use of the plural “We” but answered anyway.
“Hey, Kyle,” I whispered, blinking impatiently at the tears that flooded my eyes.
“Kate, honey, it’s going to be okay. We’ll figure this out. I promise you.” I could hear tears in his voice too.
“How, Kyle? How is this going to be okay? They lied to both of us for so long.”
“Your Mom and Dad did some things that are hard to forgive, but they also did what they thought was best. I will always mourn those years we’ve lost, but we’ve got each other now. We can’t let ourselves get lost in the past. If we do, we risk getting lost in it.” His voice was calming and persuasive. I could hear the power behind his words.
“How can you accept it so easily,” I wondered out loud. “How can you forgive her?”
“It’s not a matter of forgiving her. It’s a matter of accepting the things I can’t change. But, Kate, I want my future. I want you, and I want your mother. I love you both.”
My throat closed at his words of love. Tears flowed unabated down my face.
“I love you too, Kyle,” I choked out. “I’m not so sure about Mom right now.”
“You’ll always love her. You may not like her right now. You might be disappointed in her decisions and actions. None of those things will ever erase your love,” he counseled.
He was right, of course. I’d been fighting the truth since I’d arrived in Mapleton. I loved my Mom and Dad. I hated what they’d done to me, but I loved them. The pain creature evaporated. It disappeared as if it never existed. In its place a dull ache persisted, but for the first time since I’d overheard Mom and Kyle, I could breath freely.
“Did you get your Mom’s letter, Kate? Did you read it?”
“No, I didn’t read it, but I think I will now. Thank you, Kyle.” I could hear the sound of relief in my voice.
“Kyle?” I needed to know one more thing.
“Yes, Kate?”
“How’s Logan? Does he hate me? I wasn’t very nice the last time I saw him.” I waited in anticipation for his response.
“I don’t know, Kate. Nobody’s seen him for a few days. He was pretty upset the last time I saw him, though. I wouldn’t worry about him, honey. He loves you. He’ll be there for you when you’re ready for him again.”
The tears that had slowed with the evaporation of the pain creature started to flow again. I had rejected him and his love, calling it a lie before I stormed out the door. How could I have done that to him? How could I have so readily lumped him in with the others? He’d done nothing but love me more than I deserved.
“I hope he can forgive me, Kyle. I’ll call you later, okay?” I needed Logan, but before I could be whole enough to be with him, I needed to fix things with Mom and Dad. I’d have to trust Kyle was right.
I nearly ran to the kitchen to find Mom’s letter. I said a silent prayer of thanks for Melanie’s stubbornness. It was right were she said it would be – on the kitchen counter rather than in the garbage. I ripped it open; equal parts scared and eager to read Mom’s words. Finally, I was ready to hear her explanation.
When I finished reading the letter, I practically ran to the car. Ruled by instinct again, I clasped Mom’s letter in one hand and drove with the other. Minutes latter, I was bouncing down the long gravel driveway of Dad’s farm.
The car had barely stopped when I jumped out the door and ran to the front door. Laura, Matthew in her arms, had the door open before I could knock.
“Kate. What are you doing here? Why aren’t you in school,” Laura’s expression was puzzled. I could see hesitance in her eyes as she pulled Matthew into her chest protectively. I suppose I deserved the hesitance. Regardless of how justified I was in my anger towards Dad, Laura would be wary of how much more pain I would inflict on her family.
I smiled at her, trying to put her at ease. “I guess I’m playing hooky. I need to see Dad, Laura. Is he around,” I kept my fingers crossed. My heart was beating fast and my hands were sweating. I needed to see my Dad.
“He’s in the barn. I could go get him,” Her voice rose at the end of her statement in question. I could tell she was fighting an instinct to protect against what she knew Dad would want.
“Would you mind,” I fought the urge to tell her to hurry.
Laura looked first at me then at Matthew before pushing the baby towards me, “Hold Matthew for me, Kate. I’ll be right back.”
Matthew looked at me with trepidation before wrinkling his still homely face as if to cry. I instinctively started bouncing from side to side.
“It’s okay, little baby. I’m your sister. I don’t suppose I’ve been around a lot, so you don’t know me. I’m sorry I’ve been a sucky big sister,” I cooed softly, watching Matthew’s forehead smooth and his eyes droop.
“That’s okay. You can go to sleep. I won’t let you go. You’ve got to promise me something, little one. You’ve got to promise me you’ll take care of our Dad. He’s a pretty good Dad, and I think I made him pretty sad. You’ve got to help me fix him.” Matthew’s eyes closed. I shifted him to lay him against my shoulder, still rocking side to side.
“He’s the best Dad in the world, Matthew. He’ll watch over and protect you. He’ll give you a hug when you’re upset and laugh with you when you’re happy. He can be tough and bossy sometimes, but I think a Dad’s supposed to be. Most of all, little one, he’ll love you always and forever.” My voice choked with emotion.
“Thank you, Kate. I love you too,” Dad said, his voice similarly choked. I hadn’t heard him come in.
“Hi, Dad.” I wasn’t embarrassed by what he must have overheard. I should have said the words earlier.
“Here, honey. Let me give Matthew to Laura,” he said, reaching for the baby. I stepped back, holding Matthew tight.
“It’s okay, Dad. I kind of like holding him if you don’t mind,” the words were true. All of a sudden, my jealousy of this little baby seemed rather silly. I should have known Dad had enough love for us both.
“Kate, not that I’m not more than glad you’re here, but what happened? Is everything okay.”
“Mom sent a letter, Dad. Would you like to hear it?” I loosed my fist from around the letter, sitting so I could move Matthew to rest on my lap. I held the letter so that I could read it out loud.
“If you’d like to share it.” Dad waited patiently.
“I would, Dad. You deserve to hear it too.”
Kathryn-
I cannot tell you how much I regret what I’ve done. There aren’t words to express how much it hurts me to know I’m responsible for the pain I know you’re feeling. You may not believe me now, but if I had to do it over, I would do so many things differently.
The day I found out I was pregnant with you was the happiest day of my life. I didn’t intended on getting pregnant. It was the last thing I wanted, but from the moment I knew you existed, you were more important to me than anything. Everything I did from that moment on I did with the intent of protecting you.
Kyle and I had always had a rocky relationship. I guess true love is like that sometimes, almost as if God is testing you to see if you truly deserved his gift. We were both so young; too young I suppose. We didn’t understand we had something worth fighting for. Everything always came so easily to us both. Why should we have to fight for something?
The week before Kyle and I were to be married, we had a terrible fight. Even now when it’s so important to make you understand, I can’t remember what we fought about. But, in the end, Kyle walked out and the wedding was canceled. I blamed him, of course. After all, doesn’t the cliché say the guy is always the one afraid of commitment? Wasn’t our fight proof he couldn’t be trusted to love me forever?
My heart was broken, but I secretly was certain Kyle would come running back to me. I had it all planned out. I’d make him work for it – beg my forgiveness, swear to do whatever I wanted, get on his knees and promise he’d love me until the end of time. Weeks passed, and Kyle stayed away. I was at my lowest when I met your Dad.
David was the exact opposite of Kyle. Tall, blond, and serious. Awed by me in a way Kyle never was. His admiration was a balm to my battered self-confidence. I knew it would never work, but I enjoyed being with him. I’m not a horrible person; I told him everything. I told him I could never love him the way he deserved to be loved, but he persisted in his courtship.
On the day I found out I was pregnant with you, I knew I needed to break it off with him. There was no question of you being David’s child, so I could no longer let him continue on in the vain hope that I could love him as more than a friend. I knew then I would do whatever I needed to, sacrifice every bit of my enormous self pride, to get Kyle back.
That’s when I got scared. I suppose terrified describes it better. Kyle was so young – in years and attitude, especially when compared to David. You Dad has always been the responsible grown-up to the child I am even now. How could I trust Kyle would stay? How could I trust you, my precious baby, to our overly emotional, tumultuous relationship? Instead of running to Kyle, I begged David to marry me and to be a father to you. He loved me so much that he agreed.
It was stupid, short sighted, and horribly, unforgivably selfish. I made all sorts of justifications to myself, but in the end, I know what I did was wrong. I guess I always knew I’d be punished for the life I stole from you and Kyle. I think now, this estrangement from you, is part of my punishment. The rest will come when I leave this earth.
I was never a very good wife to your Dad. I came to love him in my own way, but it was never enough. When you were five, neither one of us could pretend any longer.
But whatever went on between David and me, he loved you fully and completely. David Swanson is your father, Kate, and no matter what happens between you and me or you and Kyle, nothing will ever change how he feels about you. I was right about one thing. David Swanson is a great father. You’re a very lucky girl to have grown up with him at your side.
I can’t undo what I did, Kate. If you need to hate me, I understand. I even suspect I deserve your disgust. I just ask you forgive your Dad. What he did, he did for love. I suppose some would say it was wrong – including David. He always thought you deserved to know. He even encouraged me to go to Kyle when we divorced. I wouldn’t listen.
And one more favor, although I deserve none. Give Kyle a chance. He loves you already. Of all the people involved in the mess I’ve made, he is a true innocent. If you can’t be with him as long as I am around, I’ll leave. I’ll go away and never see him again. I’ll sacrifice whatever is required if it means undoing some of the wrong I’ve done.
Kate, I love you. I will love you until the end of time. You are the child of my heart, the love of my soul, and I never meant to hurt you. Maybe someday you’ll understand my actions and forgive me. I’ll pray for that day to come, but considering I don’t think I can ever forgive myself, I’ll understand if it never does.
Love,
Mom
Dad and I were both crying soundlessly when I finished reading. I let myself slump onto his shoulder, taking comfort in his strong presence. Neither one of us spoke for several long minutes.
“She’s too hard on herself, Kate. I accept fault for my part in what we did. I would have done anything to keep your Mom with me, and I did. Like she said, we had our justifications, but nothing can ever excuse what we did.”
I looked at my Dad’s strong face. He was ready to accept whatever sentence I would pronounce. I felt my heart swell. “You know, Dad. Kyle said something earlier to me, and I think he’s right. It’s not a matter of forgiving you or Mom; it’s a matter of accepting. I accept what you did, and now I want my future. You’re my future, Mom’s my future, and Kyle’s my future. I’m not willing to give any of you up,” I reached over to hug him tightly, jiggling Matthew awake in the process. We both laughed when he started screaming angrily. It was just what we needed to break the mood. I’d been too serious for too long. The laughter felt exactly right.
“I need to go, Dad. I need to catch a flight to Los Angeles,” I explained. I could tell he understood.
In Los Angeles, I’d find my Mom, who I loved despite her faults, and Kyle, the father I’d never known.
And Logan.

© 2008-2009 Elizabeth Johnson